Moff's Not-So-Mildly-Offensive SW Film Commentaries

[Sam Shepard]

Well, in hopes of ginning up a little activity... I did these a while back on another site. I used to do running commentaries while watching TCW episodes; people seemed to like it.

Now, I will warn you: I am ruthless, heartless, and absolutely blue in these. If you are easily offended by bad language, crude humor, sexual humor and imagery, or really really like the Prequels because you're actually seven, or believe the OT is sacred and untouchable and unimpeachable... turn back now.

(These started out just as a couple observations from when I was watching TPM... then ballooned into full on commentaries)

TPM
So, I started watching TPM on a whim (after seeing this video and having finished rereading the ROTS novelization yesterday)... and, you know what? Those little LH2/LOX retrothrusters that fire on the bow of the ship when it lands on the TF cruiser piss me off. The underjets, fine; the Falcon did that with steam and stuff. But retrothrusters, as if Newton's Laws mean diddly-[shit] in SW? Bite me; you're not sci-fi. You're SyFy. Stop pretending otherwise.

So, now the Jedi are aboard. TC-14 welcomes them... and I remember how godawful that scene looked in 3D.

"I don't sense anything." See the YouTubePoop... And the Threepio gag which makes me laugh hysterically? Comes from this.

The conference room, on the Federation starship, makes me think of starships from another Federation. Intentional?

Also, the blockade is legal? Why did you state that? If it's legal and everyone knows it... I mean, you don't shout to every cop you pass on the road, "As you know, wearing my seatbelt is perfectly legal!" Out-of-universe, yes, it's expository dialog that was written by someone who can't fathom normal human emotions, communication, or relationships. But... in-universe... why?

And why in hell does a corporation have the legal right to blockade a world they have no formal business with? Make your Halliburton, BP, and Big Oil jokes... but if Blackwater cordoned off some town in Maine, shit would hit the fan.

"It's not in their nature to make us wait this long." Racist.

"I sense an unusual amount of fear blah blah..." Well, let's look at the situation, without even including the Sith angle. Two ambassadors were sent from the Chancellor. Fine. So, they come aboard, make themselves comfy... and the protocol droid reports a suspicion that these ambassadors are Jedi. Which means it was not communicated ahead of time that the ambassadors would be Jedi. Meaning Valorum sent men with plasma swords to "negotiate" with businessmen. I would unusually nervous too if I were talking to the post office and suddenly found myself redirected to Seal Team Six. Who have walked up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.

Ya ever hear of rat poison? PUT IT IN THE TEA; THEY'LL DRINK IT PUT IT IN THE TEA
Okay, no more Plinkett ripoffs.

"Begin landing your troops."
"Is that legal?... And the Jedi?"
"Kill them immediately."
Well, is THAT legal? Though, I suppose it does become legal later on.

Why are there droid corporals?

FUS RO DAH

For someone who was just pissing himself over an invasion, Nute finds his balls pretty quickly and starts barking orders. But then that changes as soon as we need to remember they're villainous and cowardly... like all PT villains. That said, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon running off isn't cowardly at all... no, no, that's a tactical withdrawal! Yeah!

I'm not even gonna repeat the Plinkett routine about Qui-Gon's plan; it's been done all over.

"You have been commanded to reach settlement." Um... kinda screws up the whole concept of "reaching settlement."

HOW DOES YOUR PEACEFUL WORLD KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT INVASION PROCEDURES? And why does your peaceful, pacifist society keep multiple firearms in your throne and have decoys for the ruler? Are you plowed over every two weeks, or is there something grim lurking under the Mary Suetopia that is Naboo?

MESA NO WANTEN HUGGSA! BUT NOW MESA LOVE YOU!

"What's this?"
"A thousand horrible things."


"The best place is where I grew up; a hidden super secret city that's not known to outsiders!"
"Great, let's go!"
"...Oh, wait, nevermind."

"Yousa followen me now, okeeday?"
Uh, weren't they doing that up to the edge of the swamp anyway?

"So good bein home!"
*everyone turns and bolts away from Jar Jar*

"Wesa no-a liken da Naboo. Wesa letten deysa getten massacredsa 'cuz deysa thinken deysa so-a smarty."

"You and the Naboo form a symbiont circle."
*Qui-Gon looks at Obi-Wan like he's a madman*

OOOOOOH BF1 VICTORY MUSIC
That's from this awful scene?

There's always a bigger deus ex machina. And they're in ready supply down here, too, since we use this gag a second time!

Hmm. Jar Jar questions the Force and then the sub shuts down. That said... "WHEN IS YOUSA TINKEN WESA IN TROUBLE" is... well, he's damn right! God Almighty, I'm empathizing with Jar Jar.

Does Padme's dress actually have light-up globes on it? Are there wires and batteries and stuff in there?

"We need her to sign a treaty. So... let's send her off somewhere, knowing full well two enemy combatants are loose."

And signing a treaty makes "the invasion" legal how? What is it, "I, Queen Amidala of the Naboo, do for realsies say the Trade Federation can have my planet because they're totally awesome and have sexy hats"?

"There's no logic in the Federation's move here." Why does horrible writing always feature some hidden confession somewhere? Voyager, Enterprise... and this.

"We'll need to free those pilots," Panaka echoed into the empty hangar full of droids. Fortunately, their audio sensors seemed to be on the fritz and noticed nothing until the weird guy in a tacky bathrobe walked right up to them.

TROLL DROID

Yup, that's the blockade. We wouldn't have guessed from all the ships floating there and shooting at you.

Now, if turbolasers really are as super-long ranged as Curtis Saxton says... aren't all of those missed shots really, really f***ing up things on the surface? Like, massive death and destruction, massive areas burned to ash and scoured of life at every level...

"One Naboo cruiser got past the blockade." THEN YOUR BLOCKADE SUCKS WHEN ONE, UNARMED GLORIFIED LEARJET CAN DUCK YOUR BATTLESHIPS.

Artoo's scene... again, Plinkett covered it. Not bothering unless asked (since I know some don't like him).

"You must trust my judgment, Your Highness." Well first, proper address for a Queen is "Your Majesty" and secondly... why does she have to? You're an ambassador who was supposed to prevent this whole clusterf**k. She doesn't have to trust a damn thing. Fortunately, Padme is a moron so she does... for that scene. But then she stops. So, maybe she thought about it.

Why is Obi-Wan checking out the hyperdrive? Doesn't the ship have an engineer?

Plinkett questioned why Jar Jar was brought along given his intolerance for the dryness and heat... but Qui-Gon has a telling line: "The spaceport is not going to be pleasant." Perhaps he foresaw the confrontation with Sebulba... but missed out on the whole "stupid little brat defuses it before the universe is done a favor."

Why does the dung make a gurgling sound when stepped in? If you've ever stepped in shit, it does not make comedy noises when your foot ends up smeared in fecal matter.

She's not an angel. She's not even an asari. <_<

A pilot all your life? What?

"I'M A PERSON AND MY NAME IS ANAKIN." NO YOU ARE NOT. YOUR NAME IS TOBY. Wait... shit, no... well, you're not a person anyway. You're a godawful caricature.

And Watto is the worst salesman ever. "Yes, I have your part, but with what I'm going to charge, you should buy a totally new ship which I don't have."

DARTH VADER HAS NEVER UTTERED YIPPEE IN HIS LIFE. This imposter was presumably pushed into the blender droid by the real Anakin.

"Wesa bein robbed and crunched!"
"Not likely, we have nothing of value."
Qui-Gon, you have an attractive fourteen-year old girl in your care in a city full of lowlifes and scum. I know you're all sheltered in the Temple, but... yeah. In lieu of possessions, they could just take her. Oh, and kill you and Jar J—hmm, wait.

Does rheumatism work with sandstorms?

WHAT DOES GOD YOUR MOM NEED WITH A STARSHIP PROTOCOL DROID?

Now, see... I've always figured the treaty was a red herring. Just a goal for the TF to pursue that prods Padme into doing what she does. But... well, either he's also screwing with Maul's head (...possible, for Palpy) or... he did want the treaty signed which would totally deflate the crisis.

"I can fix anything! Except my wooden acting."

"Are we sure about this? Trusting our fate to a boy we hardly know?" Yeah, like trusting your planet to a teenaged girl who went to politics camp once. What idiots would... do... th..aaat.... F**K!

God, Qui-Gon, stop with the pedo glances at Anakin. Maybe Lucas' sexual issues run deeper than I expected. >_>

"A ship without a power supply isn't going to get us anywhere." I thought FTL was busted, not power. I mean, the lights and air conditioning are clearly functional.

"There was no father. A giant midichlorian came to me in the night and told me I'd be carrying the Force's child." George... a virgin birth was not necessary, and while I'd say it's borderline offensive... well, I'm actually offended by it. So, the other side of the border.

Stealing blood from children? Damn, dude... and you're the hero!

Sebulba is evil BECAUSE HE'S GETTING MASSAGED BY TWO ATTRACTIVE ALIEN GIRLS! FEMALE CONTACT IS EVIL!

Jeez, Watto, at least pick up your Fisher-Price My First Six-Sided Die after you throw it.

F**K YOU IRRITATING KID WHO SAID "WIZARD"

Oh, his name is Kitster. Fine. F**K YOU KITSTER YOU SHIT.

I must say, this is the first time I've ever wanted to watch the Podrace scene. I usually skip over the whole mess.

Droid Stooges. Blargh.

I can't believe Grievous' battle theme in BF2 is from the fart joke scene.

Apparently, Leia's slave outfit is second-hand. I hope they washed it.

...Jabba spitting makes a fart noise. How... charming.

Oh no, he stalled. And that Rodian kid has a filthy mouth.

Oh, look at that random character watching over the race. Not like she'll end up having a ridiculous amount of time spent describing everything about her and several major roles in TCW!

Gee, good thing one of those engines didn't go into the stands or hit the pod thing that Shmi, Qui-Gon, Jar Jar, and Padme are in... <_<

Where did that vendor get a fish on Tatooine?

RAWRRRRRRRRRRRR!

You know, this scene could've been a good way to establish some darkness with Anakin... with Sebulba and Anakin. Have him intentionally crash Sebulba, and when he could've just passed him. Maybe even killed him. Would've made it interesting.

"He's passing Sebulba!"
"Oonga boonga!"
REALLY?!

YAAAAAAAAAY ANAKIN! YOU WIN BY DEFAULT!

"Look at all the money we have!"
You're a slave, so... um... doesn't Watto have the money?

Why can't you take Shmi with you, Qui-Gon? Seriously. You're never coming back here, so pissing off Watto and Jabba isn't a problem... and you can just report that you saw unlawful slavery and set out to free the slaves you could, giving you legal justification with the Republic. Unless this is part of that whole "Jedi separation" thing and he deliberately left her behind so Anakin would forget her or something. Which is... pretty horrifying, when you think about it.

"Qui-Gon's in trouble!"
"Take off! Let's get the f**k outta here!"

"What are we gonna do about it?"
Kid, WTF are you gonna do about the crazy dude with the stabby-stick?

"This invasion will gain you nothing; we're a democracy! The people have decided! YOU WILL BE THE FIRST AGAINST THE WALL!" What the hell does your elected monarchy have to do with the goddamn invasion, you jagoff?

Space may be cold, but it's a great insulator. The trick is keeping ships cool in space... not keeping them warm. Again, remember that the beginning of this movie wanted to pretend it has Newtonian physics.

Shouldn't the queen of the tiny, worthless planet in the middle of nowhere be honored to meet the ruler of the whole damn galaxy? Well, maybe Valorum's manners are just better than the decoy's.

"What options have we?" How about reading your dialog aloud to yourself to see if it sounds like something that would issue from a human mouth.

"Uhhh, I do not believe the Sith could've returned without us knowing." You sound really sure, Mace.

So, here... the Prophecy of the One Who Will Bring Balance to the Force. Because, you know, the Sith are already extinct according to Mace Badass Mothaf**ka Windu. Well, I guess ancient prophecies are super malleable in their wording.

JIMMY MCNULTY! RUN! RUN NOW, JIMMY! GET OUT OF HERE!

Can't you state the allegations Palpatine? And wait, Padme speaks on your behalf? Isn't that your job? WTF do you do?

"Will you defer your motion to allow a commission to explore the validity of your accusations?" HE USES BIG WORDS, HE MUST BE A POLITICIAN!

Those red-eyed ugly things almost sound turian... and I feel dirty for comparing turians to anything in TPM.

"A ship, a cup, a ship, a speeder." All from this movie, and from Naboo, curiously.

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." Can't suffering lead to anger (i.e. Padme's current predicament), or fear lead to hate?

"It is clear to me that the Republic no longer functions." SEPARATIST—oh, wait...

"This is the clue we need to unravel the mystery of the Sith." Uh, I thought you didn't think he was a Sith. Or are you trying to hack the expansion for DF2?

I'm not even touching the midichlorian scene, except to note that the Imperial March plays as Qui-Gon first explains it. Tells you something.

"We cannot use our powers to help her." Why not? You seemed to use them pretty willy-nilly before. Why the restriction now with lives at stake? Are you really refugees from Season One TNG?

"When in trouble, Gungans go to sacred place. Mesa show you, come on! Mesa show you!" Well, that's two things the Gungans keep secret that Jar Jar has casually showed strangers.

WHY DO YOU HAVE DECOY, YOUR PROTECTION, AND YOUR BODYGUARDS BEFORE THE INVASION? Is your planet so peaceful because of massive paranoia, so everyone's afraid to do anything in case that have a thermonuclear bomb up their ass?

"This is a battle I do not thing we can win."
"The battle is a diversion. The Gungans are cannon fodder."

"The droids will be lost and confused." THEY ARE DROIDS. THEY DO NOT GET CONFUSED.

Why don't you just send the pilots up to knock out the Droid Control Ship... and forget this suicide run for the Gungans? Padme's really racist...

You know, for wanting to capture the queen, the droids are pumping a lot of shots close her to head (yes, it's the decoy, but they don't know that).

So, why were clone troopers never supplied with technology based on those Gungan hand shields? Surely, someone would've been curious about that whole "can block laser beams thing."

CORN ON
THE COB
CORN ON
THE KABOB

Yeah, you take the long way, you bitch.

"I don't know where the trigger is! Maybe it's all these other buttons rather than where triggers have always been?" Especially since, well, his next line is, "Oh, here it is!"

And into the generator room. Where the hell is this in the palace?

"The deflector shield is too strong!" So, why didn't you pull back and provide air support? Those droids have a very limited range...

Now, it took Panaka repeated shots with a heavy blaster to shoot out the window on the first level. But it takes Padme's holdout just one on the next floor up.

Hey, Obi-Wan... did you forget you can hit F3 and run really super fast? Maybe you don't catch up to Qui-Gon as you guys go into the laser gates... but you could've after!

But then, continuity is for suckers. Even intrafilm continuity.

Gee! Good thing Jar Jar is so clumsy that he created an impromptu minefield to slow the armor and infantry chasing the fleeing Gungans! Now why didn't a competent mind consider dumping out the backs of the ammo wagons?

"They win this round!" Um, Padme... you only get one. Unless you read the script.

"Everything's overheated! ...Oops, this is not good." So, at least your acting isn't overheated, Jake!

PRESS F3 OBI-WAN! Gah, idiot. You'll never figure out the puzzle.

"Wipe them out, all of them" = "Let's take prisoners!" I guess, to be charitable, they could be rounding them up and separating them from any nearby armaments before going all Malmedy.

Yeah, throneguns. Peaceful people. F**k you.

Shall we dance?

Aww, you broke his double-bladed saber. Now he'll just have to flip around a whole lot more instead of having two swords to swing around.

Now, the audio cues suggest Anakin fired four torpedoes, but we only see two. We also see the thrust from N1s is very dangerous, wiping out some nearby droids... but no effect on all the clustered people in the hangar. Hmm. I didn't know plot armor included asbestos. Well, maybe it was the Will of the Force that none of the pilots, guards, or troopers get horribly burned or irradiated by the fleeing N-1s.

And so dies Darth Maul. Because f**k TCW.

"You're going to have to go back to the Senate and explain all this." HE INVADED YOUR PLANET AND KILLED YOUR PEOPLE... why are you addressing him like he was caught eating one too much candy the day after Halloween?

And what, precisely, is he going to explain? And why isn't he handcuffed? Or is that too barbaric and non-pacifist, to restrain the man you captured with the gun you hid in your frigging chair arm?

Anyone up for barbeque? What kind of sauce do you think goes good with Jedi?

Sure, bring the little kid there, too. He totally needs to see the corpse of his liberator burn to ash up close.

"Which was destroyed? The master, or the apprentice?" The franchise, Mace. The franchise was destroyed.

Can someone explain to me why the big friendship gift is an artillery shell? Seriously, that's essentially what it is. "To honor peace, I give you big boom!"
_________________
Commander Samantha Shepard

[Sam Shepard]

AotC
Rated PG for sustained sequences of sci-fi action/violence: A decapitation and two dismemberments. And a monster has its limbs hacked off and a bunch of bug people are sliced and diced like Anakin was a Ron Popeil product. Multiple dudes with swords are bloodlessly machine gunned. Showing someone mutilated and mortally wounded by torture. Animal cruelty. Yet, no mention of horrible romantic dialog nor child actors.

Shit, and we haven't even started the movie yet. I'm waiting for the rock remix of Smile, Smile, Smile to finish.

"Senator Amidala, the former Queen of Naboo, is returning to the Galactic Senate to vote on the critical issue of creating an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC to assist the overwhelmed Jedi."
So... Padme is all for dead Jedi. <_<

NRRRRRRRROWWWWW... IMMA B17 FLYING FORTRESS!

Damn, it's cloudy. Couldn't you have found another landing platform on the whole planet?

"There was no danger at all." SHABOOMZ!

Corde... more like Cordite. "I failed you." How? It's your guts splattered across the pad, not Padme's.

"I shouldn't have come back."
"This vote is very important!"
Damn, we need more Congresspeople like Typho.
[Note: This was during the government shutdown period]

"I will not let this Republic that has stood for a thousand years be split in two." A thousand years, or a thousand generations? Hey, George, maybe rewatch your own damn movies before writing.

"We're keepers of the peace, not soldiers." That's why we immediately take command of your new army.

"Seeing you alive brings warm feelings to my heart." Why, Yoda? What do you know of her? You had no interaction with her in the last film, and in the next, you're perfectly willing to say her husband should be happy if she dies. Has the Senator taken to polishing your lightsaber now and then? Is that why you're so happy? Or are you just being two-faced and would say that to any Senator who narrowly escaped death?

Or is it just that Padme's a blatant Mary Sue. >_>

"The thought of losing you... is unbearable." All right, I need to give George credit for that. If it was an intentional tie-in.

MESA BACK!

"My goodness, you've grown! And I can't wait to see how much... mmmm..."

"We're here to protect you Senator, not to start an investigation." Um. What? Anakin's actually right. How can you protect if you do not know who, what, when, or why someone is after her?

"Mesa busten with happiness to be seein yousa again, Ani!" Mesa wanten to see how much yousa been growen, too!

Why has the assassin hired another assassin to do his job? Is Jango not actually the best, but laziest bounty hunter?

"She covered the cameras; I don't think she liked me watching her." Jesus...

"You're using her as bait."
"Of course, Master... Baiting with her is why she covered the cameras!"

"I'd much rather dream about Padme." My GOD, Anakin!

ATTACK OF THE CGI CENTIPEDES

Yes, R2... turn away from the window... you know, the only way in. Not that it would do shit about an assassin with a rocket launcher.

...How the hell did Obi-Wan manage that one-handed grip without his body dropping a single centimeter as his weight shifted? I mean, the out-of-universe answer is he was standing on a blue mat with his hands around the prop or something... if he was elevated, it was inches and he had cables aligned to his center of mass. But that seems like way too much work for George's production team.

Hey, dumb-bitch: WHY DIDN'T YOU SHOOT THE DUDE HANGING OFF YOUR DROID?

At least Zam's speeder sounds like some kind of awesome guitar chord.

Not a single traffic cop chasing the two of them. Must be LAPD handles Coruscant. And they saw that everyone involved was white.

Heh, they used the power coupling scene in my physics textbook to open the chapter on electricity.

"Does this speeder have any weapons?"
"It's a taxi, Obi-Wan! It has a fare meter!"

DIVE DIVE DIVE

"I hate it when he does that" I thought hate led to suffering. Then again, I'm suffering right now... OBI-WAN IS A SITH!

Zam, do you have any concept of geometry? Shooting at him with your speeder in the way isn't going to do anything.

And then, after talking about his desire to capture and interrogate Zam, Anakin tries to straight-up cap a bitch.

I've seen more convincing crashes in GTA:Vice City with Flying Cars turned on.

She went in there to hide? How do you know? Maybe she's got an escape route through the back, or a disguise (since they don't know she's a shapeshifter yet... though Anakin mentions it a couple seconds later), or an armed goon squad that handles pursuers.

"This weapon is your life." Well, that's peaceful.

Dat ass.

"I think he is a she, and I think she is a changeling." BLOOD TESTS ALL AROUND! Wait, wrong changelings.

Hey, Zam... now's your chance. RUN AWAY! But no, you're evil, so you're gonna try to shoot a Jedi in the back because evulz.

HEY LOOK OBI-WAN CUT OFF SOMEONE'S ARM IN A BAR! JUST LIKE IN THE ORIGINAL STAR WARS! Won't you please like this movie?

That said, why not disable her weapon? Or take only her hand? Why did you cut off her whole damn arm? Overkill much, Obi-Wan?

"Jedi business, go back to your drinks." The police just CHOPPED OFF SOMEONE'S ARM IN A BAR, dragged them into an alley howling in agony... and then the cop says, "Police business; go back to your drinks." Strike LAPD running traffic control, the Jedi are the LAPD.

Again, credit where it's due... the round hits, then you hear the shot. Though, I suppose if Spielberg hadn't used it in Saving Private Ryan, Lucas wouldn't have known of it to steal it.

For all of Yoda's perceptive senses, he can't tell Anakin has a raging boner for Padme? "Mmm, off to romantic locations, just the two of you should go. Problems, I do not forsee."

"Until caught this killer is, our judgment she must respect." See, is he using "judgment" as in "our conclusions and suggestions" or "our final decree on the matter"? Because... God, if it's that latter—if the Jedi can order Senators off-world "for their own protection"--then everything Palpatine said about them in the ROTS novelization is right.

Palpy can give executive orders to Senators to leave the planet before major votes? And yet, these orders are somehow optional (if strong pressure)? Hmm. That has to be handy. "You're going to vote against me; I think you should be off-world to see your family. One last time."

"The Council is confident in its decisions... [arrogance] a flaw more and more common among Jedi. Too sure of themselves they are, even the older, more experienced ones." Stop doing my job for me, Yoda.

"Anakin, you've grown up!" *cue whiny, petulant bitching*

So, there was an assassination attempt by a droid at the window the night before... so now Padme and Anakin strut about in front of a window in view of a trillion people. As a wise lunatic once said, "Good thing assassins only work at night!"

"Please don't look at me like that."
"Why not?"
TRUE LOVE BLOSSOMS!
"It makes me uncomfortable."
IT'S TRUE LOVE GODDAMMIT CARE ABOUT IT

"Don't do anything without first consulting myself or the Council."
"ANYTHING?"
"Anything... and don't spare the naughty details! We... we need it to make sure we make the right call."

As that same lunatic once said, and Dallows so loves to remind us... "That lumbering fatass [Dexter Jettster] would get his ass f**king killed by Darth Maul."

God, he even has an alien pornstache.

Does Dex's voice have a mild flanging to it or it just my audio setup?

Well, since Jedi don't have possessions... they obviously don't have pocketbooks, since they neither have money to put in them, nor the pocketbooks themselves.

"404, system not found. AND IF WE DON'T HAVE IT, IT DOESN'T EXIST, BITCH!" So... you're saying there's loads of alien porn in the Jedi records? Because, that has to exist...

Anakin, don't mention you have nightly wet dreams about the girl you're talking to. It makes things awkward.

"Use your feelings you must. And stand even closer together with the searing-hot plasma rods you're waving around!"

Now, explain to me why a five-year old is the only one that understands the concept of a barycenter? Obi-Wan clearly has found it... why not just go there? And more than that, why expose a bunch of what amount to Jedi kindergarteners to the idea that someone can screw with your precious archives? Especially since even Obi-Wan finds the concept nearly impossible (or, completely inconceivable before having a FIVE YEAR OLD tell him "Durr, someone put in the recycling bin.")...

"I think the Republic needs you"
"It's clear to me that the Republic no longer functions."

FOUR trials in the Supreme Court? Is there no concept of double jeopardy? Or were there three mistrials?

Yeah, this romance is totally budding. See the arguments from unresolved sexual tension and not from putting two abrasive and prideful people in the same room?

"Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas is still a leading member of the Jedi Council?" Well... no, because TPM was set ten years ago and he wasn't there.

SPACE GONDOLA

"It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere." Just like George's ideas.

And Anakin casually strokes Padme... which apparently drives her into a wild lust that makes her kiss Anakin. Rather than shrinking away and saying, "Please don't touch me like that."

IN THE BABY FACTORY
WHERE YOUR FEARS AND HORRORS COME TRUE
IN THE BABY FACTORY
WHERE NOT A SINGLE SOUL GETS THROUGH

"Good news, everyone! Clones are more independent than droids. We tweaked their genetic structure so they're less independent!"

Alles... STILLGESTAND!

"I was 12, his name was Paolo." Wow. Age of consent on Naboo is... wow.

"I don't think the system works."
"How would you have it work/It's clear to me that the Republic no longer functions."

"Well, if it works." I think that was quite a popular sentiment in Europe in the mid-30s.

You know, to people who say Christensen can't act... he does do well in the scene with the shaaks. It's just that, as Harrison Ford, "George, no one can say this shit."

"Boba, is your father here?"
"Yup!" *doesn't move*
"...Um, can we see him? That was kinda implied, you worthless test tube scraping."

Obi-Wan see right into the closet where Jango's armor is held... and he's clearly staring at it. So let's close the door now... after Jango walks out of the way to make sure there's an unobscured view!

For someone who is all about peace and pacifism and diplomacy, Padme seems quite entertained by the idea of "aggressive negotiations."

So, we go from casual dinner and magic tricks with fruit to Padme's S&M outfit and the cozy fireplace and Anakin more or less begging Padme to tie him up and ride him like a pony.

"NO U"

"I'm a Senator." Senators can't f**k? Damn, how did the Kennedys survive in politics?

"I will not give into this. You need to try a different track to get into my pants. I suggest having me get slightly mauled by a wild animal; I'm into some freaky shit."

"Scramble Code 5 to Coruscant, care of the Old Folks' Home." A flash of irreverance, or does Obi-Wan think he's a quarterback?

How the hell is Slave I rotating?

BOOT TO THE HEAD, NAH NAH

And watching Jango climb up the giant mushroom, I'm reminded of the next film... and "It's like poetry, they rhyme."

Does everything on Tatooine come with cartoon sound effects? Is that part of the local laws... and they can somehow enforce it on fecal matter as well as manufactured goods?

That's not really an asteroid field, it's a planetary ring. But then I guess you can't short-stroke it to OT references.

BOOOONG

What the hell carved that cave out of the asteroid?

I love the smell of tibanna in the morning. Smells like... VICTORY.

And now we see that, even with a total rate of fire of 720 rounds per minute, you can zap all the dust and rocks around Obi-Wan, but you can only hit his fighter once. And even then, barely scorching something that is a predecessor to the TIE Fighter. Maybe Slave I's guns are really weak? Nah, that's not it... the fighter's got super Jeditanium armor or something.

OH LOOK SOMEONE HID THEIR SHIP BY HIDING ON THE BACK OF SOMETHING ELSE DO YOU LOVE US YET?

Hmm. Originally, I was going to gripe about Obi-Wan flying by a bunch of heavy cruiser-sized starships. You know, they generally put sensors on those. And lots of laser cannons. But given his eventual capture... maybe they got something right.

The Mako? He looks nothing like a gravity-defying IFV—oh, MAKER.

Owen looks like a friend of my brother's.

"T'fin'mymothr." Nice direction there.

Dun dun dunnunun... CORN ON
THE COB
CORN ON
THE KABOB

Most epic bike ride ever, I guess... just as epic as two Jedi battling a Sith Lord. At least this scene actually allows for some emotional connection... if you give the faintest damn about Anakin and Shmi.

"What about the Senator from Naboo? Is she dead yet? I'm not signing your treaty until I have her head on my desk." That would require some explanation, though, wouldn't it Nute? And what is it with all the damn treaties?

"Our friends from the Trade Federation have pledged their support." Didn't Nute just get done telling you he's not doing anything until Padme's dead?!

Anakin, use Force Heal. Or did you not take any ranks in it?

I have to give Pernilla August props for making this scene work and pulling off a rather disturbing death.

Off with their heads!

"Pain, suffering, death I feel." Turn off the emo music.

"Young Skywalker is in pain." And we know pain leads to suffering, and suffering leads to... ah, go f**k yourself Yoda.

Hmm. Maybe he wasn't detected by radar. Maybe it was that Geonosian scout that saw him. Though, I suppose the scout went to check out the radar reading... so I'll still give it a pass.

"Honey, I'm home! And I brought dinner!"

Now, remember... this is Owen Lars' exposure to Anakin. Remember everything Obi-Wan said in ANH about their interactions. All he knows is this guy shows up after his step-mom is kidnapped, races off after snapping at them, and then returns with her corpse. Sounds like a good reason to take in his kid!

"The shifter broke."
<_<
>_> AoKH, you won't get that.

"Sometimes there are things no one can fix." Like this script!

Why does Padme have a mandala/bullseye right over her lap? Was she hoping Anakin might want some target practice with his backup lightsaber?

"And not just the men. But the women, and the children, too. They're like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals! I hate them!"
*snuggle*

Maybe Padme is distantly related to Captain Janeway.
"You wiped them all out? Cool! I'm impressed... and aroused!"

So, um... why did you guys take Threepio?

"May I ask why a Jedi Knight is on Geonosis?"
They seem to be able to go everywhere, without question.

I can't help but feel the Jar Jar scene is a stab at fans who prefer the Empire.

Remember, "we're keepers of the peace, not soldiers." That's why Yoda is buggering off to Kamino to take over the army... and Mace is readying a commando mission to free a single Jedi. He brings two hundred Jedi to do it. Two hundred Jedi... to save one. But you couldn't spare three or four extra Jedi to investigate Darth Maul in the last movie.

It slices, it dices, it makes mounds and moudns of bug slaw!

"Machines making machines, how perverse." Um... I'm pretty sure that's how droids are made. Unless he means the good kind of perverse.

lol bodyswaps r teh heilarious

Gee, good thing at that droid arm stamping has enough room for Anakin's arm inside. Now... why does it have room to accomodate his arm comfortably enough to not mangle his arm?

Hey, thanks for the ten-meter drop, Artoo! I'm sure, being in a ceramic bucket with no shock absorption, Padme will be absolutely fine when it comes down!

Well, now I guess we know who wins in a fight between Boba Fett and Darth Vader.

"I've been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life." Great pickup line.

Yes, yes, kiss as you pass through the blatantly yonic entrance into the arena...

I will admit, Obi-Wan's delivery of "Good job!" makes me grin.

Now look at Dooku's platform. Roman orgies didn't have that many vaginas. And the archways for the monsters even have clitorises! While the heroes are chained to phallic symbols in the center...

Hmm. Padme is clawed across her back, so her abs are exposed. In the Pussy Pit. All that's missing is Mila Kunis.

HE ROOOODE A BLAZING SADDLE
HE WOOOORE A SHINING STAR
HIS JOB TO OFFER NOOKIE
TO SENATORS NEAR AND FAR

Threesome on the reek!

Hey, do you get that Nute's evil yet? Huh? "She can't do that, shoot her!" "This isn't how it's supposed to be; Jango, finish her off!" Geddit? GEDDIT GEDDIT GEDDIT?! He's bad and he likes money!

So, Mace lands with his back to an approaching army of droids... fortunately, none of them open up on his while he's vulnerable. Isn't that nice of them?

And Miss Padme Peacepants shows her ability to snipe with a carbine, one-handed, while riding a mount. Because peace!

And how nice of that Jedi to wait until he could deflect a shot into Battle-PO's neck joint instead of, well, cleaving him down the center.

And Jango's last stand... you can see his head drop out of his helmet in shadow. So uncivilized.

"I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!" Christ, that was old fifty years ago.

"No, I call it aggressive negotiations!" With an expression that says she is practically a waterfall between her thighs. PEACE!

"This is such a drag." F**k you, Threepio. You have me beside myself.

RETURN TO THE PUSSY PODIUM

Did the whole damned Jedi Council go on this mission?

"LOOK!" DUN DA DAA DUM DUN DA DA DUMM DUN DA DAA DAAA DUN DUM DUN DA DUNN! That's my attempt at Ride of the Valkyries, okay?

Yep, cycle those 100 kiloton missiles. You're gonna need them. Good thing you didn't try using them in the arena, though... that would've been a problem, eh?

"Holy shit, those guys just got whacked! Let's get on the ground!"

"Attack those Federation starships!" Because ISDs beat the piss out of any Enterprise, God dammit!

And so, Dooku takes off on his Space Harley. Good thing none of those fighters are shooting at the gunships and walkers in the main part of the battle!

"It's Dooku! Shoot 'im down!"
"We're out of rockets, sir."
YOU HAVE LASER GUNS YOU PRICK

Bye-bye, Padme. But don't worry, she's fine with being pitched out of a ship travelling a couple hundred miles an hour because she rolled!

So, Obi-Wan and Anakin see Dooku's destination. A hangar. Remember this.

Hey, Obi-Wan... maybe you should've Luke about that whole "saber beats lightning thing"?

"Are you all right?"
"Unh-huh."
"No! No! Gather what troops you can, we've got to get to that hangar. Get a transport, hurry!"
How did you know they went to a hangar, Padme? HOW DID YOU KNOW?! "Did you read the script? What's that in the sand over there; is that the script?"

"I'm gonna cut this power cable in half because I want my lightsaber duel to be more awesome-looking! 'Cause who needs to see where yoour opponent is?"

Well, they have such amazing mastery of the Force... they can throw crap at each other! Amazing use of the energy field that binds the galaxy together!

And so we now destroy the character of Yoda as introduced in ESB and have another seizure-inducement masquerading as action.

Hmm. Stop Dooku, or save two friends? Well, screw the billions of people that are gonna die; those two have contracts!

Nice jiggle there, Padme... hmm, might have to revise my contempt for her.

So, she blazes away at Dooku... just like Leia did at Slave I in ESB. You know, when the man she loved was imprisoned aboard and it her last, desperate attempt to save him. Where as Padme is shooting at him... because PEACE!

Factories! With black smoke! This must be the hive of all things evil!

Yep, the war has begun. Because Yoda wanted to save his friends. The war will continue... because Yoda wanted to save his friends. But no, it's the Sith's fault! It's not Yoda's fault for starting the war! No, no!

IMPERIAL MARCH

That said, hey, maybe you should turn off the engines on those landed Acclamators.Remember what happened to the droids with just starfighter thrusters? Yeah... and with all of those clones and Senators and, well, Palpatine around?

And that night, Anakin got his wish and became Padme's Little Pony.
_________________
Commander Samantha Shepard

[Sam Shepard]

RotS
As I mentioned before, I finished rereading Matt Stover's ROTS novelization a couple days ago. It actually made things make sense. So there will likely be comparisons and digressions.

Oooh, I've never seen this loading screen on the ROTS DVD before. "Know the power of the dark side," indeed.

War! The Republic is crumbling—it is? Heroes on both sides... screw Mina Bonteri. She's a Designated Hero and never did a damned thing to earn actual heroic status. Evil is everywhere is more accurate.

DUN DUN
DUN DUN
DUN DUN
DUN DUN
DUN DUN
DUN DUN
DUN DUN
DUN DUN
DUN DUN
DUN DUN
We're totally not ripping off the BSG miniseries! We swear!

PEWPEWPEW
ZAPZAPZAP

Fun fact, that Seppie cruiser's forward cannon fires one every ten frames.

ZAP-SHABOOMZ
BLAMMO
POW, BAP, THUNK

Hey, look, the Vulture are more animated. That means they need new toys! And new paintjobs, so MORE toys!

A Jedi shall not know fun, Anakin.

"I'm gonna go endanger the Chancellor to help a single clone because I'm noble. Suddenly."

Homing missiles? Damn; the TF must've found the secret upgrade in the bunker.

"I'll try spinning... that's a good trick!"

Apparently, Obi-Wan isn't smart enough. However, the novel clears this up by stating that the missiles that targeted Anakin had locked onto his engines indivudually; spinning made their pursuit vectors intersect, which made the missiles intersect. Obi-Wan's missiles didn't lock him up quite as cleanly, though, so, he couldn't just repeat Anakin's trick and shake them. Of course, in the film, it's just that... Obi-Wan is stupid.

I thought Artoo's shock probe was in his body, not his head. And wasn't articulated. Oh well, New Powers As Plot Demands.

Okay, so the buzz droid falls over after getting zapped. Now, it was standing still, meaning it had zero relative velocity with the respect to the fighter. But it topples, and then slides off like a Nazi shot by Indiana Jones on the wing of a flying plane. But... they're not on the wing of a plane. They're in space. So, even if you argue the natural vibrations of the fighter's systems and loss of some kind of magnetization with the droid's deactivation, shouldn't it drift slowly away, even up and foward?

Hey, good thing the hangar shield generator isn't protected by the whole ship's shields!

Enter what remains of the Marlboro Man.

Why did none of the security droids in the elevator fire? Or were they programmed to posture threateningly? But then, why did the droidekas fire on them with seeming killing intent.

"What that?"
"Get back to work, that nothin'."
Those are not typos by me, that's what the Super Battle Droids actually say.

"Hands up, Jedi." Technically, they are... and what exactly is he supposed to do?

And now R2 spews used motor oil out and burns two distant cousins to death. IS KOMEDY!

"Sith Lords are our specialty." No, they're not. Especially not after TCW.

I like how even Palpatine winces at what Dooku does to Obi-Wan.

And now watch the 22-year old strapping lad in the prime of his life engage in a physical contest with the 83-year old. And look! He beat him and cut off his hands! What a surprise!

The novel gives Dooku a chance to protest Palpatine's order to kill him... interestingly, he does keep up the charade of Palpatine not being a Sith.

"Prepare for attack!" You're in the middle of a war zone; shouldn't you be prepared for attack anyway?

What would magnetizing do, Captain? Or is that just an order for the droids so they don't fall and hit more buttons for komedy?

Poor Palpatine. "You stupid f**ks are more dangerous to me than Grievous!"

Aww, the battle droid commander has manners. It said, "Excuse me" to the captives as it brought the lightsabers to Grievous. Wait, why did it say that?

And now Grievous walks off screen, snarling "Stay at your stations!" while pushing pilot droids away from their stations. And what's he doing over there while the Jedi wipe out his droids? Watching?

And why are the Jedi now slaughting the pilot droids? Do you not want to keep the ship you're on flying? They're not armed... or is this payback for the one saying, "Get 'im! Get 'im!" to the Magnaguard? Doesn't seem very Jedi-like.

Wouldn't opening all hatches decompress the living spaces of the ship (excepting the bridge of course)? And, you know, kill the remaining organic members of the crew?

"Landing strip straight ahead!" WTF was he supposed to do if it was "landing strip to the left?"

Oops! Hope no one was in that tower! Of course, it's likely been entered into canon that it was evacuated... so the heroic landing of the crippled ship isn't marred by wiping out a visiting elementary school class.

And Jar Jar's one line... because he needs to be in there because F**K YOU STAR WARS FANS WHO DID NOT LOVE HIM

"You're trembling." GOD DAMMIT ANAKIN IS NOT HAN SOLO AND PADME IS NOT LEIA

"Ani, I'm pregnant." *ominous music*

"This is a happy moment. The happiest moment of my life." Yeah, but the problem is that the kid is Jar Jar's.

So, the spacecraft fly like aircraft... and the atmospheric craft maneuver like spacecraft. George is just trolling the scientists.

Oh God, I loathe this scene so much. I normally cannot bear to watch these two cardboard cutouts pitch stilted and wooden romantic dialog at each other while Natalie Portman brushes her hair in front of a green screen. Also, for a giant battle that was fought on this planet... there is no sign of it in the background. Not a single fire, nor plume of smoke. The sacrifices I make for your guys' entertainment.

DIE DIE DIE DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE (The goodwill from the breast jiggle in the last film has been used up)

"How long is it going to take for us to be honest with each other?" Jeez; you've been married for three years. I understand you haven't gotten to see each other much, but... usually honesty and trust is one of the first things you establish. But I guess he was just too pretty to do the things like flesh out your relationship and make sure it wasn't just physical attraction that could be worked out with a few weeks of good, hard f**king.

Anakin's harsh remark about "We don't need Obi-Wan" is fleshed out in the novel; he suspects Obi-Wan has been holding him back from the mastery. And he's quite unsettled due to the dream on top of that. In the film, though, he's just an unreasonable douchebag.

"Pain, suffering, death." Hey, arc words!

The fear of loss is a path to the dark side. Except the Jedi fear of loss of control of the Republic. <_<

And Anakin squeeing at the idea of being a Jedi Master is down to needing to be a Master to access some high-level archives. Which is why he loses hit shit when Mace says, "You are on this Council... but we do not grant you the rank of Master." Also, in the novel, he openly threatens them... perhaps one improvement in logic in the film.

Hmm. Would've just forgotten about the stuff on Kashyyyk if Ki-Adi Mundi hadn't mentioned it? Is the entire Jedi Council smoking pot before they do strategic planning? "Mmm, open you to the Force it does... maaaaan. But accompanied, it must be, by Cheetos."

And now the Jedi make Anakin do something dishonest. Betray a friend, betray his conscience. But they're the good guys and everything they do is 110% good and justified! And don't you f**king dare question it. After all... "respect their judgment in this matter, you must."

"I don't trust him." Well, so let's make him not trust us! Great idea, Mace! After all, what's worse than that person you can't stand that's convinced you're best friends? Oh, yeah... when they have magical powers and the fate of the universe pivots on their allegiances.

Geez, I hope that birdge across the Venator's bow can retract... or taking off is going to be a problem.

"Have you ever considered that we may be on the wrong side. What if the democracy we thought we were serving no longer exists?" "It is clear to me that the Republic no longer functions."

And honestly, Anakin is right to be angry with her. She's basically saying, "Sweetie, can you do me a favor because you love me so much? Make your mentor quit because I don't like him."

"Let me help you... hold me." You know, you can hug him. He doesn't have to initiate each time. Or do you two have a serious dom/sub thing going?

"We'll be able to capture that monster." "This war won't end until Grievous is spare parts." So, capture or kill? Which is it?

I know Palpatine's supposed to be evil and thus a liar in all things, but... he's telling the plain truth. Not a "certain point of view" thing... the Jedi are planning to take over, under the guise of protecting the Republic.

"The Sith think inwards, only of themselves." And you don't, Anakin? That's been your MO since the last film. So really, you've been functionally a Sith and all of this drama and crap is mere formality.

"He could save others from death, but not himself." Don't get too cocky there, Palpy. With DE on the chopping block...

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE—ERR KASHYYYK

Oh, hey. There's Luminara. I was wondering about that.

And there's the pointless Chewie shoehorning. WILL YOU LOVE THESE MOVIES YET THEY HAVE SO MUCH STUFF YOU LOVE

"The Council will make up its own mind who is to go, not the Chancellor." I DON'T WANNA DO ANYTHING PALPY SAYS

"A Master is needed." Yeah, rub salt in the bleeding wound, Yoda. Again, something the novel points out... and it even makes Obi-Wan feel bad for Anakin that Yoda's more or less sticking his finger in Anakin's eye. They also point out that the Jedi want Anakin on Coruscant to keep spying... while Anakin is desperate to leave so he can stop spying. Not to mention fear that his closest friend might die against the guy that slices and dices Jedi for a living.

Amazing that Chewbacca hasn't changed a damn thing about his attire despite being in the middle of a war zone instead of palling around with a smuggler.

Did they not even bother to use Temura Morrison in the background of the scene where Obi-Wan and Anakin chat? It looks nothing at all like him; it might even be a low-poly (comparatively, of course) CGI model.

Uh-oh! Now Obi-Wan's with Padme at her death! In the novel, Palpatine suggests something untoward is going on between Padme and Obi-Wan. Anakin notices traces of his presence in the apartment... rather than a waking premonition.

"I'm not gonna die in childbirth, Ani. I promise you." A touching thought, but... um, how?

Utai sound like Kerbals. That amuses me greatly.

Wow, that was a fast fill-up. I wish I could gas up my car that quickly.

Does George Lucas think annoying sounds make people more interested? Because it just annoys us.

Wow. Grievous, that was a very long pause in your briefing. Nice of you to make sure we don't miss any exposition while Obi-Wan's traipsing about.

Y HALO THAR

Yeah, I don't think disco moves will help you against the special droids meant to fight Jedi.

"I WILL DEAL WITH THIS JEDI SLIME MYSELF! Right after I ordered my guards to kill him, which didn't work!" In the novel, the droids do actually fire on him and he has to bolt away. But he keeps intercepting Grievous (who is trying to flee) until they have hold their fire to avoid hitting their commander.

RAVE PARTY WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

How did Obi-Wan cut off Grievous' hand when he was blocked to the outside?

Obi-Wan, why did you push him away? You held him off when he had four and three weapons. You could've worn him down and killed him there... but I guess we needed a chase scene to showcase the wheel bike toy and show off more of your lizard.

THAT WEAPON IS YOUR LIFE, OBI-WAN

"I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi." NO SHIT

"The Jedi Council would have to take control of the Senate in order to secure a peaceful transition." The words that justified a thousand blood-drenched coups. BUT NO, NO THE JEDI NEED TO BE TAKEN AT FACE VALUE! They're pure good!

It does raise the question of what the Jedi would do with Palpatine's allies in the Senate. Even a cynic like me wouldn't go so far as to suggest they'd butcher them, but what do you do? And on what grounds? Either the Jedi, with their foresight and wisdom and blah blah blah can't plan past the end of their lightsabers, or George can't. I prefer the middle option... both are true! Still, your bad writing making the designated heroes look like disorganized Che Guevara wannabes at best does not endear them to us nor make us empathize nor even sympathize with them.

"I get the feeling I'm being excluded from the Council." Because you're Palpatine's spy that they ordered to spy on Palpatine for them.

"Since you couldn't take a hint in the Opera House... I AM DARTH SIDIOUS! Work for me!" This conversation goes much better in the novel. I think Lucas cut it because it showed Palpatine was nicer to Anakin than the heroes ever were.

AN' PALPATINE SHOULD NEVER SAY THE WORD "PADME." OR "SNUFFLEUPAGUS."

Oh good, back to the chase that started at 59:56 and it is now... 65:22. How exciting and fascinating.

Maximum capacity: one rider! Can't you read, Kenobi?!

How did that kick not crush Obi-Wan's ribs?

Apparently, pulling open Grievous' chestplate causes him to make funny, if indignant, noises.

When I saw ROTS in theaters, and saw Obi-Wan make his kick at Grievous' shin... I was about to roll my eyes and someone doing karate with a robot. Then I laughed my ass off as my expectations were subverted and Obi-Wan screamed from the very realistic consequence OF TRYING TO KICK SOMEONE MADE OF METAL

Nice catch.

Yep, that sure looks clumsy and random.

So, why did his eyes explode? Sure, you just fried his organs, but... what?

"We must move quickly if the Jedi Order is to survive. Now let us continue discussing this at a calm and not-remotely-urgent walking pace. It's not like our mortal enemy has direct control over the government, and technically, legal control of us!"

Aww, they look out across kilometers of cityscape and their eyes meet... somehow. I guess. God... George, don't learn your drama from your daily soap operas.

OH MY GOD IT'S A FLYING SAUCER! ALIENS!

Palpy channels a bit of Louis XIV: L'État, c'est moi. Which goes to show you how bad George's history is. Silly George, decapitations are associated with his great-great-great-grandson.

"It's treason, then." Technically correct... which is the best kind of correct!

Yeah, the stunt double really shouldn't be in front of the camera and that close so long.

HOW DID THAT WINDOW BREAK, DAMMIT?!

Anakin runs in... and on seeing Mace holding a lightsaber in Palpy's face... slows to a brisk walk.

"You have lost."
"U GONNA DIE"
Well, not exactly effective rhetoric. Why not, "No, no, no! You have lost *lightning*!" Punctuation placement intentional.

Where did Mace's hand go?

Now, say it with me... POWAAAAAAAAAAH

UNNNNNNNLIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMITEEEEEEED POOWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

*evilgasm* He wouldn't get off like that again until Ysanne Isard became Director of the Imperial Intelligence.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.

And now he flanges and echoes... while dropping a couple octaves. Was the sound mixer just pissed off or something and Lucas mistook the insult as "creativity"?

And there's Voice Number Four...

Yoda suffers from those Wookiee burritos he ate.

Epic makeup fail with that profile shot.

"So, you want to save your wife and child from death? Good, good... now go kill some children. And then a bunch of people in rubber masks and CGI cartoons we'll edit in later."

So, the lead clones are marching up in a block of 7x12. And there are at least six blocks... but the other five are about twice as long. Those would pretty handily correspond to a lightly-reinforced clone company. So, Anakin's brought at least around 900 troopers with him. Not exactly an 8000-strong legion.

Why do the DC-15S's make submachine gun noises in this scene only? Forget to redub them with space noises?

Palpy's chair is weird. Why does it look like a leaf?

Nice touch adding the arc to the round, since it is supposed to be a projectile.

So, Ki-Adi-Mundi gets blasted. In doing so, he takes two troopers with him. Remember this.

And two Council members down is enough to give Yoda severe indigestion.

YEAH, THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO FIND AHSOKA, YOU BEGOGGLED PRICK

I like how the Wookiees are totally cool with Yoda just decapitating two men that had been directing the operation to save their planet.

In case we needed a reminder that Vader was a bad person... gotta show that lightsaber coming out in front of the ki—oh shit. I actually didn't mean for that to come out like that.

Senators are allowed into emergency zones? Where smoke and flame are spewing forth? And there's no aerial cordon? That Temple is full of speeders and aircraft...

And also, no verbal warning before leveling a carbine at his chest? Oh, right, the Evil Switch was flipped. Only the fact that Bail appears later stayed the clone from merely blasting him for looking in that direction.

So, if a Jedi Master on the Council could only take two clones, how many can a barely-trained apprentice who likely found a lightsaber on the floor? Let's see... oh, George's kid kills eight. Probably only that that's George's son prevented a digital replacement with Ahsoka.

So, that's a Wookiee escape pod? I can see that it could carry a Wook... but why is it in the middle of a clearing? And... on the ground?

"What about Obi-Wan?" He thinks you're having an affair... and you are so not helping.

Since when do CR90s have docking bay? Oh, right, not a CR90. That's not even the Tantive IV anymore; that's the Sundered Heart... from EaW.

"I saw thousands of troops attack the Jedi temple." You saw two squads standing guard, you dick.

"He will take care of you." Good thing absolutely no one in that room watches movies, or they'd know the intonation there was absolutely sinister and as obvious as the terrible writing in the script.

"Yes, you will be safe in the middle of these lava flows... on a planet where the Jedi had previously conducted covert raids! Totally fine."

REMEMBER THESE FROM THE NEXT FILM? LOVE THE PT YET PLEASE NOW THANK YOU

How exactly did that lightsaber stay embedded in the clone's chest?

F**k you and your younglings.

Stab and hack, hack and stab...

"The Republic will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire! For a safe and secure society... for my pantaloons."

Obi-Wan recalibrated the code? Someone's gonna be grumpy... I wonder how high-explosive projectiles do against lightsabers.

Where exactly did Anakin receive that transmission? Or did the Jedi bug Palpy's office? And if so... well, that's another barrel full of worms entirely.

"I have seen a security hologram... of him... killing younglings *hides shit-eating grin*." When one of the good actors in your film can't stop cracking up at your bad dialog...maybe it's time to rewrite to something less unintentionally hilarious.

I know Coruscant has weather control satellites, but... it seems like all of Padme's apartment is open to the air. And she's pretty far up in the air; you'd think some wind deflectors or something... or windows.Doors. Walls. Keep out the elements, or paparazzi who might want scandalous holos of a prominent Senator? <_<

Why do Mustafarians have Klingon script? >_>

This conversation is better in the novel, too. After Padme says she talked to Obi-Wan, she's horrified that Anakin's answer isn't, "I'd never do that!" but "Where is Obi-Wan?"

"All I want is your love. I don't care how blood-soaked it is."

Also... "Help me raise our child, despite your frankly horrifying track record with children. And that's just the stuff you've confessed to me."

"Anakin, you're breaking my heart."
"Silly Padme... it's pronounced trachea."

Alas, the one time Padme doesn't like it when Anakin chokes her.

And again, this goes so much better in the novel. I don't know if it was trimmed for time, or because all the other scenes explaining it were cut... but... there's none of this hamfisted silliness. Anakin even tries to let Obi-Wan go.

However, "Only a Sith deals in absolutes" is in both versions.

And again, Obi-Wan shows off that his ribcage is made of adamantium.

Even though this duel does go on far too long, to the point it's boring... I do have to give credit to McGregor and Christensen for practicing it and rehearsing it to where they could perform at that speed.

"Not if anything to say about it, I have." BOI-OI-OING!
Seriously... listen closely! There's a boi-oi-oing sound!

So Yoda flips over Palpy's head... then flips back along the exact same line. wat?

The confererence room could've been shortened considerably. They don't need the Jedi Rave.

The Palpy-Yoda duel, however, I think is rather well done.

Uh-oh! Klingon warning signals!

CORN OONNN
THE KABOB
DOO-DAAA
CORNCOB

Why does Yoda spin it first. Do angular momentum considerations apply when manipulating things with the Force?

"Mmm... cutting loose now I am, motherf**ker."
"Ohhh shhiiiiiii—BOOM"

I like how Palpy takes the contractually-obligated villain laugh before pulling himself into the pod. "I may be in mortal danger, but that's no reason to slack off on my obligations."

HEY OBI-WAN! ANAKIN HAS THE HIGH GROUND!

PROFESSOR! LAVA! HOT!

"Into exile, I must go. Failed I have. Attempt again, I dare not."

And cue the Tarzan horsehit.

Good thing that droid is rated to carry a human and a lavaproof bucket... Anakin would've been in trouble if he overloaded the repulsors.

"I have failed you, Anakin." You think?

"From my point of you, the Jedi are evil!"
"Well, then you are lost!"
No, he's actually got some good points about how you conduct yourselves.

"Don't try it! I actually remember some continuity!"

"You would destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!" Well, what did it say? It seemed to oscillate wildly. The prophecy mentioned in TPM said nothing of the Sith... since you thought the Sith were gone.

Anakin needs some butter... *sunglasses* 'cause he's toast!
...I am so sorry for that. Obviously, he needs chipped beef in cream sauce.

"Is Anakin all right?"
"Well, bitch, I'm here and he ain't. Da fuq do you think?"

AND BELIEVE ME HE IS STILL ALIVE
AND WHILE YOU'RE DYING HE IS
STILL ALIVE
AND WHEN YOU'RE DEAD... well, he'll actually be mortally wounded.

"Obi-Wan has made contact... in a very distinctive ship that is registered to a prominent anti-Palpatine senator. I'm sure bringing it here to our secret hideout won't cause any problems."

"She is dying?"
"We don't know why. She has lost the will to live."
GOOD LORD MAN, WHAT IS YOUR DEGREE IN? POETRY?!

But no, it turns out they just had really shitty medical equipment that couldn't detect throat damage but had droids that could handle human childbirth...

OOHBAH yourself.

LOOK IT'S THE DARTH VADER HELMET LET'S PUT IT ON EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF PROMOTIONAL MERCHANDISE!

She's dead, Jim... err, Ewan.

"Lord Vader... can you hear me now? Good! How about now? Good!"

Plinkett said it best...
"Vader asks where Padme is. And Darth Vader should never say the word 'Padme.' Or 'Snuffleupagus.'" And yes, I did use that for Palpy earlier. Because... well, it's true.

"We must take them somewhere where the Sith will not sense their presence."
"How about to a prominent Core World that's going to agitate pretty strongly against the new government?"
"Mmm, make perfect sense that does!"

I get the feeling Qui-Gon teaching people how to be Force ghosts was just in there to justify the existence of TPM.

I do like Bail's outfit. Could make for a nice Imperial dress uniform.

And Artoo laughs at Threepio for essentially being murdered.

Jar Jar mugs for the camera just as long as Padme's entire family... who were on the editing room floor in the last film, so if you didn't ever see the special features, you'd be left going "Who the hell are these assholes?" Subtle, George.

How DID they make her look to be pregnant? And, well, what is the standard procedure on burial of pregnant women?

THAT GUY'S RANK INSIGNIA IS FOUR RED OVER THREE BLUE. Which, according to TCW and my own estimations... would make him between a full admiral or a grand admiral (depending on which grade of admiral Yularen and Tarkin held in TCW)

Damn, you got that much of the Death Star built in three years? How the hell does the rest of it take you almost twenty?

Nostalgia plugs... and done.
_________________
Commander Samantha Shepard

[Sam Shepard]

Star Wars
So... a New Hope. 1977. No money, nothing works. Except, well, this is the Special Edition. So, we get the kitsch and the horrible ideas of late 1990s George Lucas.

I'm going to put aside nostalgia and fan bias for this. I will rip and tear at whatever is loose, just as I did before.

Ahh, that bad sound quality on the Fox intro.

Rebel spaceships? Bitch please, this is sci-fi. Starships. Space-noun becomes star-noun because it's cooler.

You know, this is actually the first case of George telling us about events rather than showing. "Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet."

WELL WHY NOT SHOW US HUH HUH OMG OT SUCKS

Well, it's actually because Keyan Farlander, the crew of outpost AX-235, Han Solo's tracking devices at Vergesso, Raymus Antilles' subsequent attack on Corulag, and then Kyle Katarn stealing the plans from Danuta and those plans being transported to the Tantive IV by the shuttle Maria, followed by the corvette flying to Toprawa and obtaining several other key pieces of the plans that included information smuggled out of Polis Massa are not important before attempting to upload the plans to the Mon Calamari cruiser Liberty but being interrupted by by ISDII Immortal, leading Tantive IV to flee to Tatooine, unaware of the Devastator presence. It's about Luke.

WHOA WHOA WAIT A DAMN MINUTE

According to canon, Leia went to Tatooine to seek out Obi-Wan. But the title crawl says "Princess Leia races home aboard her starship" (see? SEE?! BETTER!)... and since her message to Obi-Wan mentions that whole, "So, yeah, my ship's been crippled; can you take these 'cause I'm going to jail?" thing... God DAMMIT, EU!

As Plinkett says, an effective opening shot. Tiny Rebels, giant aggressively-designed Imperial ship, symbolism, etc.

BOOM

Hey, there's that droid built by Darth Vader. And an identical one built in a factory! Maybe that's why Vader has so much money by SOTE; he sued Cybot Galactica!

There's a whole lot of explosion sounds inside the ship, and not a single redshirted ensign has had his or her face blown off yet. Disappointing.

*BOOM*
"Did you hear that?"
"Beep boo boo bop boo boo beep. I'm Clancy Brown."
"They've shut down the main reactor!"
Turning off the main reactor sounds like—or even involves—a huge explosion?

"This is madness."
...*kicks Threepio*

Wow! Guys taking cover... what a novel thought!

What, no digitally-lowered turboprop engine noise?

SHABOOMZ

Down goes a Stormie. Because, hey, body armor is a piss-poor substitute for plot armor.

Down go two of Johnny Reb.

And another.

And another.
And another. Two Stormies on the floor, and Rebels dropping like flies. "BUT ERR MAH GERD MOFF, STURMTROOPS CANT SHOOT STR8. HAXGODMOD LOL"

KILL ZEM KILL ZEM ALL BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Down goes another.

But a brave Stormtrooper is felled as two more Rebel scum drop.

Hilariously, if you watch closely as the Rebel troops run away, there appear to be laser blasts emerging from the ceiling. Whoops.

Ah, and now Lord Vader joins the fight... after apparently hiding out in the back of the TIE boarding craft. Visual evidence confirms two Stormtrooper dead at the breaching zone, with three dead Rebels visible (more were seen getting shot).

"Excuse me... have any of you seen Padme? Is she all right?"

PLEASE INSERT CARD TO BEGIN TRANSACTION

PLEASE ENTER PERSONAL IDENTIFICATION NUMBER

YOUR BALANCE IS :
0 CREDITS

HAVE A NICE DAY

Hmm. One of the troopers running by behind Threepio lost his helmet. RUN FORREST, RUN!

"Where have you been?"
"Playing ATM with the Princess."

"What have you done with those plans? And why do you not look twenty years older? ANSWER ME!"

Not only is there a good question of where the ambassador is for a consular ship... but why is the captain wearing a senior general officer's insignia?

Good thing Stormtroopers are well-disciplined. I mean, their squad leader is straight up shot dead... and they keep their weapons on stun. Can you imagine cops keeping the presence of mind to taser someone after putting a round through the head of their sergeant or lieutenant?

Yeah, Artoo... you can't go in the escape pod. Droids in pods have been illegal since Grievous dumped all of Invisible Hand's pods with Palpatine still aboard.

"Hold your fire, there's no lifeforms."
"...Can we get in some target practice, then? And hey, didn't all of our Academy instructors fight in a war against robots? Yeah... didn't they have some kind of droid general who kept getting away in escape pods?"
"Shut up! It, uh, short-circuited."
"Then let me shoot it!"
"You can't!"
"Why?!"
"Well, it's certainly not because I was looking up Ewok pornography on your computer! ...Again..."

"Only you could be so bold!" Reminds of something I used to hear from church people when I was little. They were too yuppie to tell their kids they were being "bad," so they'd say "bold" instead. Then have them sing songs like "Be Bold, Be Strong, For the Lord Thy God Is With Thee." Mixed messages much?

"The Imperial Senate will not sit still for this." I dunno, they seemed okay with the utter extermination of an organization that predated the Republic by millennia and had been official protectors of said Republic for a good portion of its history. What are they gonna care about you?

"You weren't on any mercy mission this time several transmissions were beamed to this ship by Rebel spies." I always felt the delivery was too... rushed.

"I'm a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan." But you're way out in the Outer Rim. Alderaan is seven hours away and requires you to take the Corellian Run to Denon, then switch over to the Hydian Way and ride it up to Brentaal, and then down the winding Commenor Run through Tepasi and Caamas. Also, you kinda shot at Vader's ship. And personally killed one of the troopers (AND HE THOUGHT YOU WERE PRETTY ), with your guards killing four or five others. In short... you are in deep, deep shit lady... and that's if Vader wasn't the evil badass we came to know in these films. Hell, even if he were still pissing himself and whining "nooo" everywhere... your ass would still be grass.

So yeah, take that bitch away.

Ah, Lieutenant Daine Jir. Clever...

"She'll die before she'll tell you anything."
Okay...
"Leave that to me."
...Uh, Vader... that wasn't a suggestion.

If you tell the Senate that all aboard were killed... are they going to form committee to ascertain the validity of your assessment? Perhaps they'll just pass a new law, requiring more stringent particle shield standards and use of seat belts on all ships carrying Senators. They'll call it "Leia's Law."

Yeah, Vader knows what's up. He knows you throw crap into escape pods and shoot them out. AND THAT ROBOTS HAVE NO RESPECT FOR ESCAPE POD RULES.

Is it me, or is the inside of the escape pod hatch a very deep but vibrant blue? Like... bluescreen blue. I'll check the tape of the original to see if it's an SE thing.
[I did go back and check it against the original VHS. It is DEFINITELY a bluescreen artifact that they just left in.]

Why is Threepio's one leg silver?

Man, it had to suck to be Anthony Daniels. Searing heat, in a black body stocking AND a metal suit. He had to be roasting... well, like Anakin in the last film.

Artoo, you're in a bad neighborhood now. <_<

He's a WHAT? Wow, Jawa... easy on the slurs.

Oh, hand-drawn lightning bolts. They somehow look good and are charming at the same time.

And so, George first expresses his preference for little people. >_>

You know, you can draw a couple parallels with quarians and Jawas... scavengers, robes, can't see their face, glowing eyes. Of course... I don't think quite as many people want to get up close and personal with a Jawa.

OH GOD THE GARBAGE CAN LIVES

One shudders to think how this scene would've been shot in a modern SW movie. It'd be all CGI, in an utterly colossal space... probably with some kind of doom crane. It would also be brightly lit rather than gloomy, oily, and cramped which adds the perfect atmosphere.

Grah. CGI Stormtroopers and CGI Dewbacks. Screw up the musical cues...

"Look sir, droids! Or... someone dropped a ring in the sand in the many thousands of years of habitation this miserable planet has had."

See, George, people like the droids because they get put through absolute hell and yet react like humans. That forms this strange thing called an emotional connection. I know emotions are scary things to you—that's why the Jedi suppress them, after all—but it helps.

"Be sure it speaks Bocci"? So, it has to have balls in its mouth?

Heh, the cables moving some of the droids haven't been edited out. Can you imagine such an oversight occuring the in PT? Plot holes, fine; dialog that is either nonsensical or utterly boring, fine; but effects errors? NEVER.

Jeez, Owen. The rise of a dictatorial regime and raising the child of a man who you basically had every reason to distrust seems to have turned you bitter somehow.

"This R2 unit has a bad motivator." That's an R5, stupid. And it just teleported back into the droid line... then teleported back to your side.

"Thank the Maker!" Oh God, is Doctor Manuel back again?

WHOOSH, WHOOSH! IMMA SKYHOPPER PILOT

"Not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest, or teleport me off this rock."
Speed up the... moisture harvest? Can't you run a hose to a collection bucket or something? Or a tank? I mean, shit Luke... I did with the dehumidifier in my basement. And that's basically all a moisture vaporator is, but with technobabble since you're in a desert and not in my basement.

"I don't think so, sir. I'm only a droid and not very knowledgeable about such things."
...Are you suggesting such things exist in the Star Wars universe?

"Not on this planet, anyway."
The laws of physics don't change depending on your planet. But if he's referring to available technology... oh please God, tell me Star Wars doesn't have casual time travel buried somewhere or interstellar teleportation.

"If there's a bright center to the universe--"
There's not. There's no center at all. Of course, I understand he's not to be taken literally... but hey, I don't often get to strut the cosmology.

"OMGUKNOWOFREBELLIONAGAINSTEMPIRE?"

"That's how we came to be in your service, if you take my meaning, sir."
...That line can become so dirty, so very quickly, with just a minor excision of context.

"I'm not good at telling stories. Well, not at making them interesting, anyway."
...GEORGE LUCAS IS THREEPIO IN HUMAN FORM

"Well, my little friend... you got something jammed in here really good."
Were these lines written just for me?

"HEP MEESA OBI; YOUSA MY ONLY HOPESA!"
That's the next SE update.

...So, Threepio, the protocol droid... can't identify the damn Senator from Alderaan. Just how many more times was his mind wiped?!

"Is there any more of this recording? Like... you know, where she takes off that dress?"

"I don't know anyone named Obi-Wan; what a weird name that is. I've heard of this guy named Ben. My uncle Owen doesn't like him. But no Obi-Wans. Who would name their kid that? Sounds like people who would willingly give their child over to a monastic cult or something."

The bolt is short-circuiting the playback? I guess it turned off because Artoo ran out of blinker fluid.

You know, I'll grant that Owen didn't remember Artoo. I mean, hell, how many blue, white, and silver R2 units are there in the galaxy, after all? And unlike Threepio, they had a very brief interaction. Similarly, he could've easily figured Threepio as any other, mass-produced droid rather than his step-mother's former droid... that she somehow needed for etiquette and protocol. As a slave.

But you have to hand it to Owen and Beru's actors; the wordless but knowing glances, the slow dawning of just what they've acquired. Granted, I'm retconning a bit into the character motivations... but hell, it's not like I'm the first to do it.

"He knew my father?"
Well, does it matter, Luke? He died at the same time, remember? <_<

So, Luke's spoon is plastic... do they have plastic knives, too? Has to make cutting the bantha steaks a pain. >_>

"I'll make it up to him next year; I promise." Why do I get the feeling that saying, "I promise" is SW code for "dead in twenty minutes"?

"He has too much of his father in him."
"That's what I'm afraid of."
Well, sure. You don't want Luke dragging corpses back home after random acts of genocide.

...Hey, uh, Luke... the sunset is pretty and all, but you really shouldn't look directly at it. Bad for your eyes and all.

Huh, Threepio's eyes glowed bluish when Luke hit the caller. Neat. Also, Threepio reacted like someone switched on vibrator in his ass.

"Luke, I'm shutting the power down!"
...Jeez. My electric bill can be asinine too, but that's a bit extreme.

...It looked like Threepio was supposed to be turning a steering wheel... but it wasn't there.

"I can see one of them now."
Y HALO THAR

Why does Threepio scream like that? Did the Royal House of Alderaan feel that bit of programming was necessary?

WEEEEEEE-WOOOOOOOOOO
It's not yet the stoner yelp of doom... but it sure as shit isn't the original krayt call.

"Come here, my little friend."
So, does he recognize R2 there... while Luke is out cold?

"Oh crap, his former master? Stupid little junkpile is going to bring Vader down on all of us!"

Guiness, for all that he hated this movie, still gave it effort. The subtle facial expressions, even just the cast of his eyes... brilliant.

"I haven't gone by the name of Obi-Wan since, oh, before you were born."
LIE #1

"I don't seem to remember ever owning a droid."
Of course not. A Jedi has no possessions. Except a lightsaber, because a Jedi's weapon is his life.

Hmm. Threepio's eyes aren't lit up; didn't TPM establish that means he can't see or something?

"My father didn't fight in the Wars; he was a navigator on a spice freighter."
The spice must flow...

"That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals."
Okay, that's technically true... since those ideals involve child murder and carrying dead bodies through the desert. And attempts to rescue people before they became dead bodies to be carried through the desert... on a bike with no name. Well, at least it was good to be out of the rain.

"He thought he should've stayed here and not gotten involved."
LIE #2

"And he was a good friend."
LIE #3
Okay, not really a lie (don't worry, replacement coming up soon). But sure as hell didn't come across too well.

"Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough."
THERE'S Lie #3. I believe his final statements on the matter were soemthing like, "I HATE YOU!" and "AAAAARRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHH!"

"Your uncle wouldn't allow it; he feared you might follow Old Obi-Wan on some damn fool idealistic crusade, like your father did."
Half-Truth, since, well, Anakin was already following Obi-Wan by the time he met Owen. Owen really had nothing to say on the matter.

Well, maybe driving a wedge between Luke and Owen is just Obi-Wan's means of teaching Luke to let go of attachments. You know, so he can clear his mind and not be tempted by the dark side. <_<

"What is it?
"It's your father's lightsaber."
*Luke points directly at his face and turns it on*
"...God dammit. Yoda, can you hear me? We just lost one; we're going to have to go with the daughter."

A more civilized age, huh? Like when you cut off someone's head because they're "dangerous." Or cleave off limbs because they'll remember the pain.

"For over a thousand generations, the Jedi Knights were guardians of peace and justice in the old Republic." Mmmm... retconned into oversimplification bordering on misleading. Jedi were kinda off and on, some times part of the Republic, sometimes standing apart, and sometimes divorcing themselves entirely (such as the Pius Dea crusades).

"A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights. He betrayed and murdered your father."
LIE #4. He was no longer your student and, well, we all know that Vader and Anakin are the same man. And stuff your "certain point of view" retcons up your still-corporeal ass, Kenobi. You're lying. After all, it's "from a certain point of view" that the Jedi attempted to murder the Chancellor and overthrow the Senate with the intent of imprisoning and defrocking numerous Senators who would be hostile to them.

"Vader was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force."
No, he was seduced by Natalie Portman being a huge cocktease and strutting around in an S&M outfit while saying "look but don't touch!" Apparently, he was so thoroughly whipped that he couldn't imagine going on without his mistress (I thnk I had the dom/sub angle of their relationship reverse in the last review).

So, wait... Leia puts the datacard into Artoo and then records her presentation? So, then... why was she putting another one into him? Or were those the plans?

"You must learn the ways of the Force if you're to come with me to Alderaan."
"...What the f**k?"

"Learn about the Force, Luke. I'm not asking now."
"Look, asshole. I appreciate the help with the Sand People, but don't get all preachy with me. I've been patient, I've been polite... BUT I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN PAMPHLET."

"Dangerous to your starfleet, Commander [the admiral says to a high general of the army], not to this battlestation."

Just to demonstrate how insane the EU is... in the scene where Tagge is rebutted Motti's piss-poor trolling, there's a naval trooper at the back (the guys in black with the samurai helmets if you're not sure what I mean). His name is Nova Stihl; he's a guard sergeant in the Imperial Marines. He is a major character in a novel about him and a handful of others on the Death Star. Because let not one Stormtrooper nor Rebel grunt go unnamed, and let not one life be not entirely planned out.

"The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I have just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council permanently."
Took him long enough. Maybe if the GOP took control of the US Senate, our emperor might make similar moves. >_>

But seriously, why did Palpatine tolerate the Senate (obviously, the Senate had to tolerate Palpatine) for nearly two decades?

I always liked how Tarkin is the only one who gets a undershirt.

DAY-TA, Motti. Your dadda is married to your momma. Or, well, in your case... one of those guys your momma entertained over the years.

"Choke... harder. I... like it!"
"Padme liked being choked, too... "

"And these blastpoints. Too accurate for Sandpeople; only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise."
...Should this be chalked up as lie #5? The EU seems desperate to say that it is... but then, there's that opening scene on the Tantive IV, with Rebels dropping like stones and only a couple of the men in white eating plasma. And the films do override the guidebooks and RPG supplements. So, you heard it from the Jedi's mouth: Stormtroopers are good shots!

Crispy. Rather grisly for a "kid's movie," eh? Almost as if they started out more mature... but then Lucas saw where his money was coming from around 1981.

I hate those things in JO/JA. They're annoying. And made in England. And since this was done in the 70s, obviously made by angry communists who were on strike every other week. That's a British auto industry joke... I've been taking in too much culture from the across the pond.

So, what part of protocol droid programming handles corpse disposal?

Heh, good thing Luke didn't blame the droids for his family's death. Might have just scrapped them then and there.

Ugh. So much obvious CGI distracting from things.

Yeah, just have the giant monster walk in front of the camera so we can see the state of CGI texturing in 1997. Hint: Mass Effect 3 is slightly better (which, in fairness, is fifteen years later. But for sixty bucks on PC instead of million-dollar project.)

...Threepio looks like he... oiled himself? Well, there's a brown mark down the middle of his assplate. Never noticed that before.

Hey, Luke... don't poke the bartender. Not polite... and not smart. Never piss off someone making something you plan to ingest.

"We're wanted men! I'll say it louder in case there's any ISB or Intel..."

So, Evazan falls away as if cut... but it's Ponda Baba's (not entirely accurate) arm on the floor. And, oh yeah, Obi-Wan just showed a bar full of people who are looking for quick credits that he carries a forbidden weapon.

I don't care for the canon explanation for "twelve parsecs." I prefer the one on Obi-Wan's face: "This jerkoff is full of crap."

I like how starships are less expensive than houses. And cars. And a semester's tuition at a private college.

Hmm. Seventeen thousand credits. Well, according to the roleplaying supplements, that will buy...1.7 metric tons of water. Or 1700 liters. Without even going bargain-hunting, I can get 12 liters for five dollars... so $708.33 is equivalent to 17,000 credits. That's four (and one-sixth) cents to the credit. So a TIE Fighter costs $2,500. A Star Destroyer is somewhat under $162 million. Oh, and that ten-thousand credit ship? $416.67. A little less than my first car.
So, on behalf of the roleplaying guidebooks, I must ask... HOW DUZ I ECONOMIKS?

"I'm never coming back to this planet again." Maybe George really did have the whole trilogy in mind when he wrote this... but that would mean he intentionally featured incestuous feelings and then backpedaled. And I don't think he's got the testicular fortitude to nearly go the full Cersei.

Is Greedo actually dumb enough to embezzle Jabba's payment? Damn. What a moron.

So, the explosion from Greedo's bolt on the wall is the size of a baby's fist and surely, no flaming hot fragments ripped into Han's face. The explosion from Han's bolt, however, is like a large firecracker and leaves Greedo sizzling. Oh sloppy revisionism, I hate you so much that I love you at times.

"Set your course for Alderaan."
"With pleasure."
BECAUSE HE'S EVIL, YA GEDDIT

Threepio has a chin dimple. Well, dent, but...

There is something unsettlingly (and bestially) phallic about Garindan's snout.

Guh. The Jabba scene. Where he's about one-third the size he is... in four years. And awkward photoshopping to suggest Han stepped on his tail. I think what's so offensive about some of these changes is the complete lack of effort and care put into them.

Not to mention, it completely screwed up the musical cues between Garindan following Luke and Obi-Wan and reporting them. But meh, why let consistency get in the way of TRUE VISION.

"Load your weapons"? You have energy weapons. Also, that T-21 has a laughably slow rate of fire: 205 rounds per minute. Your pistol in Mass Effect 1 shoots faster.

And here's another point of contention I've had in RPGs. Both this scene and ESB show that ISDs are faster in a straight line than the Millennium Falcon. The freighter is obviously more maneuverable, but... yeah. You can't run someone down if you're slower than them.

Why is Motti wearing catridge boxes? He has no sidearm...

Ugh, Leia's fake British accent. Oh, she's not bad... there's just something so obnoxious about it.

Hey, look, she's a Murrican again! All you had to do was point a giant laser at something she cared about.

Okay, so now we hit something that tarnishes the "pure good" thing about Leia and the Rebellion. The Rebels are, of course, heavily supported by Alderaan. It is their unofficial capital, with Yavin essentially as a remote backup in case something goes wrong (which... obviously, it does). Tarkin has just threatened to destroy Alderaan with the Death Star, not only killing Leia's adoptive family... but cutting the heart out of the Rebellion. She knows he will use this station against the Rebel base... he just needs to know where it is (in her mind). And so, she tells him Dantooine. And, they had a base there... had. As Cass reports later, it has been evacuated. So, there is no Rebel presence... only the civilians they claim to seek freedom for. Princess Leia was willing to burn a world that no longer housed the Rebellion. That is not heroic, that is not guile. That is cold-hearted pragmatism, at best. At worst, the uncaring act of a zealot, for whom the cause is all that matters and that which no longer serves the cause is expendable... even the lives of two million civilians who have done her no harm. May the Force be With You. <_<

Fortunately, Leia's inner evil is quickly masked by Tarkin's overt evil when he says, "LOL J/K FIRE" when she "gives up" Dantooine.

And that is Master Chief Gunnery Officer Tenn Graneet. Aka "Stand by, stand by" guy. He's also a major character in Death Star. All of his life, he wanted to fire the big guns. He ran one of the big fifty-meter turrets on an ISD before getting transferred to the Death Star. He was ecstatic over burning the Rebel battleship Fortressa to ash at four percent power. Then he was told to test the gun on Despayre before the Death Star departed its cradle. That chilled him, but he rationalized it by saying the planet held the worst of the worst. Rapists, murderers... but he knew there were some down there whose only crime was saying the wrong thing to the wrong person. But for Alderaan... there was no rationalization. He'd wanted to fire the big gun... and when he did, he could no longer look at himself in the mirror. He delayed firing on Yavin, with his cries of "stand by, stand by" in hopes that something... anything would stop him from having to press that button. And then two proton torpedoes streaked down the auxiliary exhaust port and Master Chief Gunnery Officer Tenn Graneet was granted his final wish.

You know, the "millions of X cried out in Y and were suddenly silenced" is such an overplayed meme that even I won't touch it. >_>

"I feel something terrible has happened." Was it a thousand terrible things being burned to ash? But no, Jar Jar's death on Alderaan was explicitly quashed by official statements.

All of the special effects updates in this film... yet no retouching of the lightsaber effect in the training scene? Making it extend and retract smoothly from the blade? Cover up the bits of rotating shaft that leaked through the rotoscoping effect? No, we need to totally change the shootout in the cantina, and disrupt the flow of events on Tatooine. We need to compeletely undermine and rewrite an establishing character moment.

"Looks like we're coming up on Alderaan." Didn't you say you'd get there at 0200? So, was it around 0158? Or did you mean 200 seconds? And if so, why not say "in a few minutes"?

Leia's treachery is revealed. Again, it pales next to Tarkin's... but I leave it to you to decide whether she's merely being pragmatic, sentimental (willing to sacrifice anything to save her family)... or a hardened zealot.

So, Han is chasing the TIE Fighter... that suggests the Falcon is faster than a TIE. Which... suggests an ISD is faster than a TIE. Oh myyyy.

"There are alternatives to fighting." What, when you board a military installation with intent to screw with its systems? Asking nicely isn't apt to work.

SPACETROOPERS!

They're trying to return the plans to the Princess? What? How could anyone know she's aboard; the Senate believes she's dead (something Tarkin intended to ensure after wringing her for information) and what kind of jabbering moron would break into a moon-sized military base crawling with Imperial soldiers and expect to get someone out of detention and get away?

"Did you find any droids?" Vader's diction sounds off. Almost... intoxicated.

"If there were any [droids] aboard, they must also have been jettisoned." Oh, so now we're willing to think of droids in escape pods?

You guys have suit radios. You don't need to get face-to-face and then bark, "There's no one here."

Man, that box looks heavy. And good thing the troopers didn't call for relief before going in. Might have caused a problem after the audible gunfire.

"I'd prefer a straight fight to all this sneakin' around!" How are you still alive?

Luke's armor has some kind of smudge on it... pinkish. Who spilled Thousand Island dressing on the damn hero armor?

Notice how Chewie mocks Obi-Wan... despite, you know, having apparently met and fought alongside Jedi. Yoda, Ahsoka... well, maybe he went all Aforceist or something after his homeworld was conquered, his people enslaved...

Han's chest plate is hilariously warped from sitting like that. Makes him look like he has Pam Anderson's body under there.

She's not likely to be rich anymore, Luke. You flew through all of the crown jewels and royal gold reserves. Good thing Han is apparently a moron.

Yeesh, Threepio... you didn't have to club Artoo over the head. Poor Kenny Baker.

I like the one officer that passes Han and Luke with Chewie. Not a second glance, just squeezes between them and the railing over the bottomless pit. So, for one, HOLY SHIT RAILINGS! And two... "Meh, just another Wook. Hope it didn't eat anyone I know."

Luke jitters like Tali when she wants to say something. But she's twice the man he could ever be.

I like how Han waves the officer out of the elevator. "Hey, you wanna be in here with that?"

Man, you two are missing that rampaging prisoner pretty horribly. Now the deck officer and all of the security are down because of your bad accuracy... you are why Stormtroopers have a shitty reputation.

How many Stormtroopers have such delicately feathered hair?

Hmm. Does Tarkin know Vader's true identity?

Couldn't even afford the fireworks for the wall breach in this scene.

Maybe she would like it back in her cell. At least no one was shooting at her in there. Yet.

Supposedly, you can see 9mm shell casings being ejected by the Sterlings. I havent' seen any, even with a screenshot someone took of a casing in mid flight. Must be a single-frame event.

You want to jump down that grate? Look at the jagged edges of molten metal! You'll be sliced to ribbons! "What the hell are you doing?!" is actually a pretty sensible reaction.

Maybe what Chewie smells is that dianoga that tries to kill Luke.

And Luke and Han both dive headfirst... but fortunately land ass-down. At least... Han landed ass-down; we don't know about Luke.

So, if the walls are magnetically sealed so the bolt will bounce all over... what did the bolt detonate again?

There's some kind of terrible creature down there... HEYODALEY!

Your GUN is jammed? That's not spacey at all! Your blaster's prismatic focuser malfunctioned!

"Help him! I'm going to stand way over here!"

*cough cough*
"What happened?!"
*cough cough*
"WHAT HAPPENED?!"
"LET ME GET THE SEWAGE OUT OF MY LUNGS!"

"Don't just stand there, try and brace it with something! I am going to try to lift a giant metal brace... that curiously moves like it's made of rubber or something."

Hey, you know... this actually shows pretty good design by the Imperial engineers. How useful of a compactor could it be if the crusher motors could be easily jammed, after all?

Ah, the Stormie head-strike... a funny background event that snuck past editing. But no, no, apparently whacking your head on low-hanging doors is a genetic trait! Because we don't want comedy, WE WANT KOMEDY!

I like how Han is asked for an operating number, but the protocol droid in the gantry office (where protocol droids are not needed) isn't asked any questions.

"Get on top!" Han shouted to Leia. "Get on top of it!"
"I'm trying," Leia snapped, effort coloring her tone.
Slashfic or life-and-death situation?

Hey, remember that pink smudge I mentioned on Luke's armor? He now has a smear there... so, they shot the gantry scene afterward. And the discoloration wouldn't show up on film, but in ultra-high def (and I shudder to think about the Blu-Rays), you can see every defect, stain, and mark. Because that's what the fans want!

Apparently, Imperial officer caps block peripheral vision as Obi-Wan runs around the Death Star and several officers walk by behind him.

I do like adding the Aurebesh to the control panel.

"Listen, I dunno who you are, or where you came from. But from now on, you do what I tell you, 'kay?"
versus
"Without the viceroy the droids will be lost and confused."

"Will somebody get this big walking carpet out of the way."
Rather than Leia falling afoul by fridge logic, now she's screwed by the EU. And I don't mean that whole Leia/Mara OTP thing. "Walking carpet" has basically been retconned from being an off-the-cuff snark to a racial slur. So, Leia's a RACIST. Thanks EU!

"Give me regular reports, please."
Aww, how polite.

"What was that?"
"That's nothing; outgassing, don't worry about it."
...So even the battledroid lines in ROTS were shamelessly ripped off. God. Dammit. To. HELL.
That said, outgassing. A hint of science!

"What good will it do us if he gets himself killed?"
"...Well, you won't get retconned to be my twin brother to justify killing a love triangle."
"...GO GET 'EM, HAN!"

Why were extra Stormtroopers added?

Another case of an unfixed glitch. If you watch as Leia goes to shut the door, Luke shifts position. Obviously, he moved during the cut... but I guess that doesn't need fixing. You know what does, though? Not enough Naboo at the end of ROTJ. Fix the hell out of that shit. Oh, and the Gungan screaming "WESA FREE" was a joke from the sound editor. Lucas loved it so much he demanded they keep it in the final version.

Leia... maybe you should've mentioned the bridge before "lock the door."

LEIA DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES WHILE SHOOTING

For luck... good thing you don't believe in tongue luck.

Nova Stihl is one of those Stormtroopers stuck at the blast doors. Because... well, he is.

So, Vader is just standing in the corner of some corridor, lightsaber drawn... for who knows how long.

He even says, "I've been waiting for you."

"I was but the learner." Um, actually, you were a full-fledged Jedi Knight. Unless you mean you were Palpatine's apprentice (so then, a learner of evil)... but you're still his apprentice.

"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."
"Tell that to all the other Jedi I've chopped up. INCLUDING YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE YOUNGLINGS."

"You should not have come back. I've made sure there's no high ground for you."

Nice trigger discipline, Luke. I'm surprised you haven't ventilated half of the corridor.

And Threepio's nowhere near the simpering twat he is in the PT. Maybe flanderizing him senseless as revenge for rejecting George's prized "key to all of this" wasn't such a good idea!

CHOP

Good thing Luke blew their quiet escape with screaming and gunfire. Well, now you get to fight a full squad of Stormtroopers and have caught the attention of a Dark Lord of the Sith.

"Blast the door, kid! Before the guy with the sword enters the gunfight!"

Hey, the Falcon turned like a spacecraft!

"Can't believe he's gone."
You've only known him, like... fifteen hours. A day at most.

HERE THEY COME

SHOOT THEM SHOOT THE REBEL SCUM! CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! SWAG!

Another Moff fun fact, the combined rate of fire of a quadlaser cannon is 1152 rounds per minute. So, the Falcon can put out a respectable 2300 bolts per minute at Imperial fighters. Lancer-class frigates, with twenty quadlasers (same model, too!), can do 23,040. Yet, curiously, Lancers are supposedly worthless while the Falcon can shred furballs... in later works. In this, it's nearly wrecked against four fighters with orders to put on a show and let them be on their way. Hmm. Strange.

"Great kid, don't get cocky! I'm still celebrating from the one I shot down!"

And, curiously, despite Luke being the hero of the tale... it's Han who gets to fire the killing salvo. Because it helps to give the sidekicks their own moments.

Tracking devices and letting the heroes go... instead of just utter failure to hold them. What novel ideas. Are we sure this is part of the SW canon?

"If money is all that you love, then that's what you'll receive." Damn. Solo, she was offering you a chance to hook up that power coupling and you blew it.

And the jealousy routine... say, Han, how does it feel to have almost lost out to the twin brother?

SPACE IS LOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUD. Seriously, I think the approach into the planet is the loudest part of the film.

"We have no time for our sorrows, Commander."
...Well, got over that "what's left of everyone you know and love can fit into the dimple of a golf tee" annoyance, I see.

FAKE WEDGE

Why did the special effects updates never fix the Death Star graphic? It doesn't have an equatorial dish.

"Princess Lee-uh." Douche.

Heh. The look on Han's face sells the long odds. Rather than some dry, hopelessly boring conversation that takes longer than the briefing proper...

Also, its worth noting that, at this point, only 24 minutes remain in the movie. Including the credits. Good pacing.

"Orbiting the planet at maximum velocity." Errr... what? So, what, just under escape velocity? Over escape velocity but fast enough to carry you past the moon on a hyperbolic course?

"Attacking that battlestation that we just ran from ain't my idea of courage."

I still always get the initial impression that Han is being sarcastic with that "May the Force be with you."

"I wish Ben were here." Why, so he can lie to you some more? "And the key to lightsaber combat, Luke, is to hold the hilt in your teeth."

And Leia kisses her twin brother again... because she's always known.

Biggs! Guy we have no idea who you are because your introduction was cut!

"Are you qualified on this machine?"
"He's really good with his skyhopper... that he crashed..."
"You'll do fine! "

"Hang on tight, Artoo. You've got to come back."
Heh heh heh hehhhh...

Now, this a special effect fix I can get behind. The fighters coming out of the forest is much better than tiny glowing red dots zipping up to the sky.

"Estimated time to firing range: fifteen minutes." At time 105:12. Hmm...

Ah, the Red Squadron roll call... one of the few times Family Guy was funny. Or maybe I'm just overly amused by jokes about The Hunt for Red October. Perhapsh that ish the cashe.

"Look at the size of that thing."
"Oh, I'VE GOT BIG BALLS, YES I'VE GOT BIG BALLS..."

Damn, those fighters—with their several kilogravity accelerative abilities—are flying close.

Is that the thunderclap from the thunderstorm scene in Back to the Future?

If Porkins ejects, Biggs, where exactly is he going to go?

Range is now seven minutes, at 107:34. So, eight minutes in-universe, two minutes and twenty-two seconds on film. Well, better that than the other way, eh?

"Trust your feelings! Go for the princess!"

Enemy fighters coming your way... seven standard TIE Fighters. In the end, those seven fighters plus Vader will kill over two squadrons worth of Rebel pilots and planes. Kinda dents that whole "one X-Wing can take on entire wings of TIEs" thing from the EU.

Lucky for Wedge that cockpit had fully vaporized and dispersed to a less than dangerous density. That would've been bad for him... and the Rogue Squadron books.

Alas, the poor Y-Wing. The Rogue Squadron games and X-Wing series have all but neutered it.

Death Star in range in five minutes: 110:01. So, two minutes in universe, 2 minutes and 27 seconds on film. And the pendulum is starting to swing the other way.

"MY KILLS MINE MINE MINE GO GO GO MINE MINE MINE BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Three minutes to range. 111:17. So, two minutes in-universe and 1:16 on film. Back to time compression.

Was that a hint of Southern accent on Red Leader? "Hold up here and wait for mah signle"?

"Red Five, can you see them? Great! Now, can you do anything about them?"

TORPEDO LOS

Aww, you missed. If only there was a character we'd been following this entire movie that we're supposed to be rooting for somewhere in this battle.

"Stay there, I just lost my starboard engine!" Err, which one Dreis? You've got two starboard engines.

One minute to Rebel zapping range. 113:27. So, exact time for once.

"At that speed, will you be able to pull out in time?"
...
"You've got something jammed in here real good, my friend."

Followed by, "Get clear, Wedge. You can't do anymore good back there." For a nearly sexless universe, this script is loaded with innuendo.

Bye, Biggs. We hardly knew ye... seriously.

Thirty seconds to zap time. 115:11 - 1 minute, 44 seconds film time elapsed. Time dilation is back in effect.

"I'm on the leader." Well, yeah, he's the only one left.

USE THE FORCE LUKE
LET GO, LUKE
"Of the stick?" *boom*

So, Vader's shots went low... under Luke's X-Wing. Then we see bolts track into Artoo, on top of the X-Wing. Without hitting the middle, seemingly explodey part of the X-Wing.

Then Artoo screams, and the Death Star clears the planet at 116:20. That allows for time compression from the first time mark (15 minutes), time dilation from the second (7 minutes, so 106 seconds over), still dilated from the five-minute mark (by 79 seconds), the three minute mark is also dilated (123 seconds!), 113 seconds of dilation for the one minute mark (or, nearly two-to-one), and from the thirty-second mark... 69 seconds of dilation, or over two-to-one.
So, from the above, I can only reach one conclusion... THIS MOVIE F**KING SUCKS OMGWTF THIRTY SECONDS IS THIRTY SECONDS

Well, the Death Star is all lined up. It's up to Luke... and Master Chief Gunnery Officer Tenn Graneet. Of course, the Rebel propaganda services would never say they survived due to the conflicted conscience of an Imperial gunner.

Vader lines up the shot, he fires... AND HIS WINGMAN EXPLODES! Well, that's great and all... but what about that stream of laser fire he sprayed at Luke's oh-so-very locked-on X-Wing? Well, I guess because the camera angle didn't allow for showing impact, they just vanished off-frame.

"Stand by... stand by." The last words of a hero.

And there goes 2.4 million men and women—yes, there were women on the Death Star. Architects, officers, some prisoners on work-for-parole programs... over 840,000 people listed simply as "passengers." Not troops, not support staff... at the very least, they deserved not to have their doom ruined by a silly planar shock ring.

Hmm. Does he say "Hey!" or "Carrie!"? You decide.

R2 looks like he did... well, after running around the outside of the Naboo cruiser. They never did explain how he got so filthy transitioning from space (where he was clean) to the inside of the ship in TPM.

Since I haven't actually seen Triumph of the Will, I can't try using lines from it. But yes, the heroic celebration is modeled on Nazi propaganda... so, everyone is SW is at least a little bit Nazi. Imps get the uniforms, Rebels get the moral certitude, mysticism, and undying belief in The Final Victory.

Yes, yes... clap extras. Right after you're done mocking the stars while they walked up the aisle and ruining take after take. Well, they showed you, eh? At least... Harrison Ford showed you.
_________________
Commander Samantha Shepard

[Sam Shepard]

The Empire Strikes Back
EMPIRE REVIEW! I should warn those with weak hearts, Puritanical sensibilities, or just low tolerance for running gags about promiscuity and incest... jeez, this is getting awkward. Anyway, I didn't put the damn love triangle in the script. I just commented on it.

Well, they remastered the Fox Fanfare. Unlike in ANH.

"Evading the dreaded Imperial Starfleet, a group of freedom fighters led by Luke Skywalker has established a new secret base on the remote ice world of Hoth."
I'm reminded of an old George Carlin routine. "If crimefighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires... what do freedom fighters fight?"

Now, again, this is ROTS-tie-in SE ESB. So, Palpy has gained a ton of weight and the dialog between him and Vader has been rewritten. That'll be important, actually... since the title crawl said Vader is hunting for Luke.

Probots. Damn, I wish I could make them work better in KSP.

Hmm, so here, Luke's comlink squares are blue, red, red, red.

"Ya smell somethin'?"
That always struck me as almost condescending... while in the novelization, Luke is actually worried given the keen senses of his mount. Not that it matters in either case as he gets a facefull of yeti whether worried or dickish.

Chewie didn't seem like he was losing his temper. I mean, Han's arms are attached... that welding tool wasn't jammed through a cranial orifice...

Jeez, Leia... smolder at him any harder and you'll melt the damn base.

THAT TECHNICIAN HAD IMPERIAL CODE CYLINDERS IN HER POCKET! IMPERIAL SPY! IMPERIAL SPY!

"With all of the meteorites in this system, it's going to be difficult to spot approaching ships."
Hmm. That might answer one of my long-held problems.

"General, I gotta leave. I can't stay anymore. I need to renew my license with the Department of Redundancy Department. My credentials have expired and require renewal."

"A death mark is not an easy thing to live with." Is General Rieekan a master of dry wit, or did George personally write his dialog?

"Well, Your Highness. I guess this is it."
"That's right."
...Okay, Leia, I told you to tone down the smoldering... not go full-on Liquid Helium Ice Queen Bitch of the Universe.

Aww, she hurt his widdle feewings.

And now they express their feelings in the South Passage. As opposed to the previous week, when... oh, they expressed their feelings in Leia's South Passage.

"I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee."
We all know you did after Yavin. It made up for him not getting a medal.

"It's supposed to be freezing! How we are supposed to dry out all of her clothes, I have no idea..."
So, you're telling me living quarters are ice-walled... either no one showers or changes clothes in Echo Base, or someone didn't think their off-screen comedy through very well.
Or it was supposed to set up Leia prancing around in the bare minimum clothing required by censors... while the audience gets a couple clear indicators as to just how cold Echo Base really is. >_>

"What do you mean, 'Nobody knows'?"
-NOBODY KNOOOOOOWS
THE TROUBLES I'VE SEEN
-She's a bass!

"Have you seen Commander Skywalker?"
"It's possible he came in the South Entrance."
"...WHAT?! THAT TWO-TIMING SLUT! She never lets me come in the South Entrance!"

...Is that green-brown-yellow smear on the wall supposed to be tauntaun shit?

Shouldn't Luke have had a brain hemorrhage from being upside so long? I guess the Will of the Force caused the midichlorians to keep the blood evenly distributed through his body.

Why did you reach with your distant arm first, Luke?

So, he slashes at his feet... aaaand somehow is free? With both feet intact and individually freed despite having been frozen into a single block of ice.

CHOP

So, that Wampa makes a return in Darksaber. Luke finally kills it, along with his that-author-only girlfriend, Callista. After we are treated to lovingly detailed accounts of rampaging wampas attacking the survivors of a hunting party that Luke and Callista fall in with and tearing them into bloody rags.

Mark Hamill's grunts and groans as he falls over, gets up, and falls again make him sound constipated.

I wish the costume designers could've at least tried to put together some kind of coherent rank insignia system for the Rebel uniforms.

"He's quite clever, you know. For a human being."
Sure. He got Leia to let him come in the South Entrance. On the other hand, right now, he's almost frozen dead and is talking to the guy who got cut in half in the last movie... which, by the way, was apparently fatal that time. But, fret not... it's not the imaginings of a brain starved of warm blood. He really is chatting up ghosts!

You know, as I watch Han gut an animal with full view of its entrails bursting forth, I realize that Revenge of the Sith, A New Hope, and Empire form a trilogy of their own. It's the "really not for young kids" trilogy. Of course, ROTS still had baby-level storytelling...

Poor Zev. Next time we see you, you're seconds away from getting blasted into goo to be hosed out of the wreckage of your speeder.

I hate gundarks in Galactic Battlegrounds. But bursas are much worse.

Please... scruffy? Harrison Ford is so clean-cut in this film... though I suppose Nick Stahl hadn't entered films yet to provide a proper baseline for "dirtball scruff."

And Luke merrily savors the taste of twin sister's lips again. With a bit of tongue! And remember... "I've always known."

Chewie appears to be mocking the PA announcements... which is oddly hilarious.

"Take it easy. Seriously, kid... your pants aren't leaving anything you're thinking about to the imagination."

"It isn't friendly." See, originally, they overheard it vaporizing a Rebel recon outpost. Now it just looks like Han has magical script-reading powers. Or a prejudice against droids with speech impediments.

And now...

Oh yes...

IMPERIAL MARCH FOR THE FIRST TIME

We see the majestic underside of a Star Destroyer's bridge tower... but... what's this? A shadow passing across the form of this leviathan? Whatever could it...

It...

Ohhhhhhhh myyyyyyyy.

QUIET, HITLER. Be nice to Colonel Kontarsky.

So, here, Vader explictly mentions "Skywalker is with them," showing us, again, his personal interest in Luke. By the way, we're only about twenty minutes into the film.

Julian Glover wasn't much of a Bond villain... but I'll still watch For Your Eyes Only to see General Veers.
[I have to take this back. I've realized that I really... REALLY hate FYEO. It's just terrible, even if it does have General Veers. I'll stick to Last Crusade]

"AAGH DAMMIT CHEWIE I JUST GOT THOSE RIBS PUT BACK TOGETHER"

A fleet of Star Destroyers coming out of hyperspace in Sector 4. BECAUSE HITLER IS CLUMSY AND STUPID

So, General Rieekan... would you say you need to...
Hold the line?

So, I've always wondered why coming out of lightspeed "too close" allows the Rebels the chance to prepare their defenses, while coming in further out would... not. But recall the comment about meteorites. If they'd decanted earlier, they would've appeared like a meteor storm... but now they're obviously far too close to be mistaken for space rocks, so now the Rebels had the chance to ready themselves. Plot hole: closed.

Seems like Darth needs to choke a bitch.

Watch Piett's reaction as Ozzel is choked... he flashes a brief smile, mixed with horrified grimaces. It's been since retconned that he engineered making that report earlier, waiting till Vader was in earshot since Ozzel was going to dismiss it out of hand.

The medium repeating blasters (the metal tubes on tripods) have a rate of fire of 192 rounds per minute.

FEUER FREI

YAAAAAAAY! Let's drop what we're doing readying this evacuation and holding action to raise our fists triumphantly in the air! When you consider twenty-three evac transports were shot down by the tightening Imperial net... maybe a little less celebrating and a bit more work could've saved well over 7,000 Rebel lives.

Thoompa... thoompa... DOOM APPROACHETH

Now, the problem with the EU is they have the Rebels and Rogues in particular fighting AT-ATs well before this battle. But it's pretty clear this is the first time Luke tried the cable trick... even though, because it was in the movie, it's also the only way to kill them in the canonical games (in the first Rogue Squadron, at least, you could kill AT-ATs with blaster fire, but required hundreds of hits and took several minutes. And in all levels they appeared in, save one, AT-ATs applied strong time pressure to destroy them before they wiped out a mission-critical target).

Wow, that was quite the explosion near those infantrymen... and none of them so much as flinched. Or reacted at all.

And down goes a speeder.

Hmm. One speeder had gray markings, the other red. Now a speeder with red markings off Luke's wing was knocked down.

So long, Dak. Or Dack? Which is it?

YOUR SATELLITE DISHES OF DOOM MEAN NOTHING TO IMPERIAL WALKERS, PUNY REBELS

Why did Wedge get busted down to Rogue 3 from Red Two? What makes Zev so great?

So, Wedge strafes the walker... as Rebel infantry charge at it. Canonically, there's a Rebel soldier killed in the explosion that Wedge caused. Not very nice of him to die like that and besmirch the only three-time redshirt who survives. >_>

"I see it, Wedge. Good work. That's one less person to evacuate."

"Do take good care of yourself. Last time you were up there, you came back deep-fried."

SO MANY SHABOOMZ AND SHABAMZES! It is glorious! This, George, is how tension is generated. Not with "Oh, a room full of enemy soldiers? Not a problem!" But with showing the heroes getting their balls kicked up to their ears once in a while to remind us that the villains are a serious and credible threat. You too, Star Trek.

Hmm. I guess Luke's speeder had the gray markings.

Jeez, Han, can't you take a hint? She wants Luke. How many times does a girl have to tell you to GTFO before you bugger off?

So, apparently, the guy on the PA saying, "Imperial troopers have entered the base!" is now Mon Mothma's son. Because hey, what's a little plot incest next to the actual incest in the romance plot? And yet, Lena Headey isn't even in this movie...

"Begin retreat! Fall back! Fall back!" Yeah, when your aircover is headed away from the enemy... it's time to leave.

That poor Imperial pilot. He just had to go to the bathroom and wanted to read a skin mag while he did... and he ends up with a grenade at his feet.

One-seven-decimal-two-eight. Well... if that's supposed to be in kilometers, there's a bit of a glitch. However, it's one I'm inclined to let go, unlike other stuff that makes a horrible hash of things in the EU or PT. But anyway, the glitch is that Hoth is 7200 kilometers in diameter (and, to have the heavy gravity that it supposedly does, needs to be made of materials denser than silver... without taking into account the ice/silicate crust) and the cockpit of an AT-AT walker is a little less than 17 meters up. Unfortunately, the horizon at that height is 10,950 meters away.

On the other hand, the AT-ATs are attacking from the North Ridge. So, if there's enough of a height difference from the ridge to the location of the shield generator... maybe? It would only require the ridge be 25 meters or so higher... Hot damn, this review is letting me stitch up all the problems I used to think I had with ESB!

The destruction of the power generator might one of the rare cases where Curtis Saxton's fanwank of multikiloton vehicle guns could work.

NO SYNTHETICS ALLOWED. Oh, wait, they're "droids."

Nobody gonna break mah stride
Nobody gonna tear me down
I know, I got to keep on movin'...

"This baby's got a few surprises left in her, sweetheart... UNLIKE YOU! OH!"

Poor E-Web gunner. And apparently, that huge assembly of a gun weighs only as much as an M2 Browning heavy machine gun. Oh, and has one-sixth the effective range and 5/68ths the maximum range and half the rate of fire. And that's why, in SWVIII, I was going to issue Ma-Deuces to Imperial Army troops in defensive positions as anti-infantry emplacements.

In the novel, when Luke suggests haring off to Dagobah, R2 tries to roundaboutly ask if he's insane due to head trauma.

MOAR IMPERIAL MARCH! SHOOT ZEM; SHOOT ALL OF ZE REBEL SCUM!

Damn. High speed collision between two Star Destroyers isn't enough to destroy them... yet, in a later comic, tractoring up a traffic control tower too forcefully hopelessly cripples an ISD. And leads to crash into a heavily-populated planetary city [Nar Shaddaa]. Why did it tractor that tower? Oh, Han tricked the operator into it while attempting to grab the Millennium Falcon. But it's okay, the guy that sold Han out to the Imperials owned the tower and was in it at the time, so Han got away and the traitor and the Imperials perished in a massive fireball when the mile-long starship smashed into the city and exploded! YAY HEROES!

That asteroid field is ridiculously dense. It's harder to hit asteroids for survey missions than it is to pass through its entire length unmolested.

Why the roll? Why not just nose down if we're using airplane physics? Oh, yeah, Han is teh ase pilotzor. That means unnecessary flourishes that could actually expose you to more fire!

"Excuse me, Ma'am, but... where are we going?"
"Da fuq should I know?" is the expression on the ma'am's face.

Uh oh... does anyone else hear banjo music coming from the swamp? And something that sounds like the squealing of a pig... but not quite?

R2, why not use your rockets? Oh, right, because those were lazily retconned in when R2 needed to fly somewhere in AotC. Because, you know, tweaking the set design would just be inconceivable! Much better to think R2 had all of these handy parts and... just got rid of them!

I'm pretty sure that's droidspeak for "F**k you, you're crazy."

[The sequence where Piett reports to Vader, and catches a glimpse of the Dark Lord unmasked] is another scene Plinkett touches on while reviewing the lackluster editing of the prequels. The blocking of the scene showing separation between a normal man and what Vader has become, showing Vader in a moment of vulnerability while showing us something important about his character...

"Let go, please!"
"Don't get excited!" *doesn't let go*
"Captain, being held by you isn't quite enough to get me excited." *Han is still holding*
"Sorry sweetheart." *finally pushes Leia away* "We ain't got time for anything else."
SEXUAL HARRASSMENT IS ROMANCE

Something familiar about Dagobah?
Grover the Muppet (off-screen): "Feel like what?"
Luke: "Like we're being watched!"
...So, the familiar thing is being watched, or... what? I mean, you're a kid from a desert planet. What the hell about a swamp is familiar to you?

Well, at least Luke shows he's easygoing when he's not about blow a muppet's head off.

...Yoda takes a bit of Luke's... meatstick (oh God I'm sorry so very sorry )... only the puppet's mouth never fully touches it. Obviously, you don't want your prop food smeared all over the puppet's internals, but, would it have been so hard to bite off a chunk, cut, shake it out of the puppet's mouth, then roll camera and do the chewing?

"Aww, cannot get your ship out." Troll level: Jedi Master.

The scene with the flashlight is very insensitive to those of us with Attention Deficiet ROBOT-MUPPET FIGHT

"Yoda! You seek Yoda!"
"You know him? HOW?! Are you his muppet servant or something? Oh God... does he have some kind of sick midget fetish...?"
"...Yourself, you can go f**k. OFF OF MY PLANET, YOU WILL GET!"

"You could be a little nicer."
You've been nothing but a dick to her. You haven't earned any nice moments from her.

"You're trembling."
IT'S LIKE POETRY THEY RHYME

"I happen to like nice men. Like Luke!"

Threepio: Galactic cockblocker.

Man, these holograms have shitty resolution compared to the ones on starfighters in the prequels... or the hologram in the next fricking scene. Couldn't be bothered to touch that up, or tone down the chat with the Emperor?

Damn, Palpy, you're chunky. How did you lose so much weight in a year? How many pantaloon sizes did you drop?

"I have no doubt that this boy is the offspring of Anakin Skywalker."
"How is that possible?"
Well, Darth, when two outwardly attractive people are forced together by hideously contrived romance plots, and they both like strutting around in leather outfits in a universe that apparently takes a Puritanical view of birth control...

But seriously, remember the title crawl and Vader's comment on the Executor. He is actively seeking Luke Skywalker. He even knows his name. Vader is lying to Palpatine in this scene, feigning his shock that the kid that blew away the Death Star is his child. Of course, because the new dialog for this scene was written well into George's "control freak hack writer" phase, when Vader asks "how is that possible," what with his wife being buried while seemingly nine months pregnant, Palpy steals his line from later: "Search your feelings, you will know it to be true." Because, hey, coming up with something new to say—or even a real explanation—is just so damn much work!

That said, I have no issue with touching up the glowing-eyed ape mask voiced by Clive Revill with the actor who would go on to play the character in the next film. I just wish they put in more effort with making him look like he does in the next film.

So, does Artoo not recognize Yoda?

"I cannot teach him," not "Teach him, I cannot." It wasn't always backwards-talk.

"I can be a Jedi! See, I can smash my head open and die right here and now! I can die pointlessly just like Qui-Gon!"

Obi-Wan was reckless when he dove after Zam Wesell's probe droid... other than that, he was the boring and orthodox Jedi. So much for "So was I, if you'll recall."

KAMERAD! KAMERAD!
ALLE MÄDELS MÜSSEN WARTEN
KAMERAD! KAMERAD!
DER BEFEHL IST DA, WIR STARTEN
KAMERAD! KAMERAD!
DIE LOSUNG IST BEKANNT
RAN AN DEN FEIND
RAN AN DEN FEIND
BOMBEN AUF ASTEROID!

OOGA BOOGA BOOGA

Bit of a delayed scream, Leia.

Gee, good thing the temperature and pressure outside the ship is comparable to human norms. Otherwise the ship would decompress... they would experience severe physical discomfort... I mean, they're less thermally protected than on Hoth.

"Doesn't feel like rock."
But it wasn't a rock... IT WAS A ROCK MONSTAH

Leia, you've been EATEN BY A GIANT MONSTER

"The cave is collapsing!"
It... doesn't really look like a cave at that point. That said, why couldn't Han put down somewhere else on the asteroid?

"Yes, run! And do the flip again! Need that you will for lightsaber combat! Prance about like a drunken ballet dancer you must!"

"Is the Dark Side stronger?"
"No, no, no."
I dunno; you get your ass beat pretty hard by the Dark Side last time you went up against it.

"Mmm. Just asked about the nature of the Dark Side you did. Into the place that reeks of the Dark Side, you must go! Mmm-hmm hmm hmm hmm!"

So, what would have happened if Luke had neglected his lightsaber? Or just brought his pistol? Would it have been him in Stormtrooper armor? Had he gone in unarmed, would he simply have had a stern discussion with Ghost Vader?

That said, it is worth nothing that Luke draws his blade first... and then Ghost Vader's second attack lands very low on Luke's blade. In fact, it's not on the blade at all; it catchs the hilt and seems to cut across the top of Luke's hand. Oww.

NO DISINTEGRATIONS
IZ YEW WESH.
Dammit, accents aren't genetic.

Hey, there you go... let go of the controls while under bombardment from a battleship! We all know how important dramatic gesturing is!

STARSHIPS DO NOT BANK LIKE THAT UNLESS YOU'RE VOICED BY SETH GREEN

That's... awfully formal of the XO. "Yes, Captain Needa" instead of just "Yes, Captain." I think Needa knows who he is... maybe it was for the audience in case they missed the communications tech calling him?

"No! No different! Only different in your mind! ...Size matters not!"
That has opened the floodgates on more heinously ridiculous bullshit in the Expanded Universe than the coddling of your collective human teats—no, wait... well, anyway, it did open the doors to Luke casually Forcing around black holes and the entire The Force Unleashed project.

"For my ally is the Force. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us, and binds us. Luminous beings are we. Not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you, here... between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere. Yes, even between the land and the ship."
Even being generous... the rock and ship are not alive.

Now, remember, size matters not... but note the concentration Yoda must use—with his eight centuries of experience dulled by a comparatively mere two decades of inactivity—and his weariness after pulling the ship out. Perhaps your expectations on the new guy are a bit much?

Or maybe he's just pissed at Obi-Wan. "Teach you nothing, did he? Terrible luck with Skywalkers, he has—err, I mean..."

Jeez, Suba... scowl any harder? (The lieutenant standing next to Piett, if you're not up to date on your later-named background extras )

Wow! Look at the angle that ISD flew by at! Three dimensional space!

That's all garbage produced aboard a Star Destroyer. WTF are they doing?!

MAH BACKPACK'S
GOT JETS
'CUZ I'M BOBA
THE FETT
I BOUNTY HUNT FOR JABBA HUTT
TO FINANCE MAH 'VETTE

"Han? LEIA!!! SOUTH ENTRANCE?!!"

And here goes Yoda gain, telling another Skywalker to let his friends and love interest die. You learned really well, didn't you?

"See? My friend. I told you I had a black friend!"
"That still doesn't make what you said on Hoth any less horrible."

And Leia grins ear-to-ear at Han's jealously.

"Yeah, I'm responsible these days... responsible for selling out your ass into the Empire's hands! OH!"

"E chu ta!"
Star Wars has bowderlizations for nearly every curse in the English language. And yet, we can't get a straight translation on what that droid said... simply that it "wasn't very nice."

That is the grumpiest-sounding Stormtrooper ever.

Random wind chimes in the corridor near Chewie?

"You must not go! Last time one of you little f**ks went off over some vision, THE GODDAMN EMPIRE WAS FORMED!"

Obi-Wan has a point, Luke. I mean, sure, you can lift some small rocks and a robot... but the guy want to take on supposedly trained a guy to pull Star Destroyers out of orbit, drag them along the ground, and stop them at his feet. And all he had to do to do it was play some stupid little button-mashing minigame!

Uh-oh. Luke made a promise. He'll be dead in twenty minutes.

"Only a fully-trained Jedi Knight, with the Force as his ally, will conquer Vader and his Emperor." Err... so what are you? An untrained n00b? Or was the whole twenty-year wait so Palpatine would hopefully be too feeble to use a lightsaber? But then, age didn't stop Yoda... oh PT, your abilities to turn our wise old sages into rambling imbeciles cannot be bounded.

Vader didn't really choose the quick and easy path... did he? I guess he wanted to gain more power quickly to save his wife, but he did have a good deal of time pressure. Well, I guess Luke shouldn't have been so reckless and gone up against the Death Star before he was ready. He should've waited, trained more... until he was sure he could control the torpedoes with his mind!

"And sacrifice Han and Leia?"
"If you honor what they fight for, yes."
Again, Yoda... that didn't work so well last time, did it?

"If you choose to face Vader, you will do it alone. I cannot interfere."
Reference to Splinter of the Mind's Eye?

DAMMIT LUKE STOP PROMISING YOU'RE GOING TO DIE IF YOU KEEP THAT UP

"No, there is another."
But apparently, this DOESN'T refer to Leia? Or... it does... but then it doesn't when we need another superJedi to come out for a project. I dunno, Lucas Licensing has waffled on that point so many times that the line is meaningless.

See, if someone had said, "Nobody has seen or knows anything about what happened to Jar Jar, and he's been gone too long to have gotten lost," well... the reaction would be raucous cheering. That's why George is grumpy with his fans.

Why is IG88 painted white and in the junkpile?

KEEP AWAY! KEEP AWAY!

And so continues the proud Star Wars tradition of bringing corpses home. Oh God, do you think George was trying to reference this bit with Anakin's mother...? Did he try to put her back together? Oh God...

"Having trouble with your droids?"
"No, no problem. We routinely blow him apart! Why?"

"Things have developed that will ensure security. I've just made a deal that will keep the Empire out here forever."
Oh, Lando... you may be smooth, but you are not smart.

"Sup bitches? Nice gun you have there; mind if I take a look?"

HI I AM A BIT CHARACTER WHO BECAUSE OF FAN REACTION TO MY COSTUME HAS BECOME RIDICULOUSLY OVERBLOWN IN IMPORTANCE!

Man, that had to be an awkward dinner. And... what did Vader even do there, just stare at everyone?

See that blast point on Threepio's chest? That's what blew his legs off?

"That was never a part of our deal!"
"Perhaps you think you are being treated unfairly?"
"...No."
See, on paper... that's just awful. It's Billy Dee Williams' and James Earl Jones' deliveries that make it drip menace.

So, for being a master mechanic... why did Chewie immediately put Threepio's head on backwards? Although, his laughter suggests more than a little intent to it...

"I feel terrible."
Just wait till the next movie. Then you'll act terrible, too.

"Why are they doing this?"
FOR EVULZ. But it's nice someone, at some point, asks.

...How does Lando know Luke is on his way?

Leia, he's just been tortured silly and now he's been beaten. Save the quips for later?

And why is Leia back in her Hoth outfit? No pretty dresses in prison?

Han is going to the gallows... and all Threepio can think about is himself. I know it's supposed to lighten the mood a bit, but it comes off as horribly selfish.

"When you say, 'take care of her'... you mean...?"
"Wha—NO!"

Great ad-lib by Ford. You know the one I mean.

READY THE GIANT TONGS OF GRABBING

Aww, Chewie putting his arm around Leia... it's little subtle things that make a scene. Not camera-A, camera-B soap opera blocking and restricting everyone to fifteen feet of track meaning the best pace they can manage is "brisk walk."

And so Artoo nearly gets Luke's head blown off. AND STOP HUMPING LUKE'S LEG

Ah, there's Lieutenant Boba Fett Out of Costume. Or Captain, if he's Imperial Army.

"IT'S A TRAP!"
Yeah, that's right... Leia said it first.

And again, Luke ignites his blade first... while Vader calmly and casually crosses their blades. Troll level: Sith Lord.

According to the EU, Stormtroopers don't usually surrender easily. There isn't even an order given to drop their weapons, from the guards or the officer. Hrrrm. So, in the films... they can tear apart redshirts and are really accurate, but surrender at the drop of a hat.

"Keep it quiet. We don't want the other 38,000 Stormtroopers in the city to know we just detained six of them. I just hope they forget that they have helmet comlinks capable of orbital communications and so would very likely be capable of contacting nearby reinforcements..."

CHEWIE! Stop! That's not David Carradine!

...Or maybe it is. Oh, no, he's just trying to say "Han." Badly.

"He's only a Wookiee."
DAT'S RAAAAAAAAAACIST

How handy that Artoo was there. And now Threepio is saying "Han" wrong!

Remember when I mentioned this in the Attack of the Clones review? Yeah... a last desperate attempt to save the love interest versus, uh, IT'S LIKE POETRY THEY RHYME.

Not much of a surprise, Luke. And he's been toying with you, taking it easy...

Why did Vader grunt in pain from having a pipe full of fog shoved at his helmet? If it's that hot or cold, Luke should be seriously injured. If it's that high pressure, well... YOU HAVE A GODDAMN AIRTIGHT HELMET AND FACE MASK.

And Vader falls off... I think that pissed him off given what happens next. Now we start getting dangerous.

I like how the pressure equalizes immediately after Luke goes out the window.

And I like how you can clearly see the pyrotechnic charge on the Stormtrooper before Leia shoots him.

WRONG HOLE, ARTOO

"I'm not supposed to know a power socket from a computer terminal."
Err... would it really take up that much memory to have a guide to standard interfaces? Especially since a droid might have use for a power socket, such as recharging?

And now, faced with never seeing the loves of their lives again, the Stormtroopers futilely fire at the Millennium Falcon in hopes of getting it to stop and surrender their beloved. Or did George actually compare his Perfect Padme Peacepants, Senator (D-Naboo) to Imperial Stormtroopers?

Yeah, playtime is over. Now Vader's out to get you.

Luke, you seem like you needed a hand with that fight.

Prowse's gestures don't quite match the intensity of Jones' dialog... during the whole "join me" part. It gets better with "If you only knew the power of the Dark Side."

ZOMG SPOILERS
DARK VATER IS LUKE STARKILLERS FATHER OMGOMG

Your airtight helmet is... kinda wobbly in the airstream, Darth. As if it's some kind of plastic prop on a movie set!

Good thing you had those knees to catch yourself on, Luke. You don't seem like you have the upper body strength to catch yourself one-handed and then pull yourself up.

"Ben! Ben, please!"
"I told you I'm not coming, you little shit!"

Nice bank around the cloud. Err, that wasn't a pun.

Come on, guys, you couldn't even color-match the Executor in the inserted scene to the way it looks in the rest of the damn trilogy?

Hmm. Three TIE Fighters is enough to seriously worry about. That's a far cry from "Meh, the the Falcon can take on a dozen squadrons before getting scratched!" from the EU.

And awkardly edited RotJ footage that uselessly breaks up the tense chase scene...

"Star Destroyer!"
OMG LEIA IT IS STAR DREADNOUGHT OMFG CURTIS SAXTON SAYS SO STUPID MINIMALIST

I do appreciate that they finally flixed the reversed camera angle on this scene. It seems like for every good fix, there's a bad one to match it.

"Artoo-Detoo, you know better than to trust a strange computer."

"Father."
"Son, come with me."
Well, he seemed pretty accepting of it then... why did it surprise Vader in RotJ?

So, Vader is just talking to the air on the bridge of a military ship. I mean, I know no one's willing to go, "Hey, Vader, buddy... who are you talking to?" but...

So, you can apparently sabotage the hyperdrive by turning a knob too far to the left. After all, Artoo fixed it by turning said knob to the right.

I like the extra on the bridge... eyes fixed on his clipboard until Vader goes by, then he risks a passing glance. Meanwhile, Piett needs to change his jodhpurs.

WHY ARE YOU WEARING HAN'S CLOTHES, LANDO?

Awful lot of jocularity, since the Rebellion has been smashed and scattered, a dear friend (for Luke) and lover (for Leia) has been taken by the forces of evil and may never be seen again...

"Ah, that's better. Hey, Leia... want to help me break in the new digits?"

AH-HA! THERE IS AN AFT HATCH TO THE COCKPIT!

To think, that medical ship is a whole five meters shorter than the refitted Enterprise (and Constitution class in general).
_________________
Commander Samantha Shepard

[Sam Shepard]

Jedi
And now we cap off the series, laddies and lasses, fillies and gentlecolts, invited transgendered species, and Wesley... wherever you are.

We're off to a good start. I put the DVD in and see Ewoks being blasted by Imperial walkers. A fine start indeed!

"Little does Luke know that GALACTIC EMPIRE has secretly begun construction on a new armored space station even more powerful than the first dreaded Death Star."
...Begun? And they already have that much of it built despite it being nearly six times the diameter? DAYYYYYYYYYYUM! Imagine what they could churn out if they didn't dick around with superweapons. A superiority fleet in every star system. Hey, I guess that's another analogy between this movie and the end of the Mass Effect 3!

Once again, a Star Destroyer flies by. Hmm. Shuttle from the forward bay, fighters from the main. Thought it went the other way...

Now they have spacetroopers welding things.

Hey, this shot seems familiar... as if it were awkwardly crammed into the last film!

...Whoa, whoa. Is that a TIE Bomber parked next to Vader's shuttle? It's freaking huge! According to reference book blueprints, it's about 5.6 meters tall... a Lambda in landing configuration is over 22 meters tall.

Meet Moff Tiaan Jerjerrod... one of the last film characters to get a first name. Do you think that's Space Spelling for "Sean"?

This is the first SW movie I ever saw... da nostalgias, despite all of the holes I can blast in this film now.

Does nobody tell Threepio anything? Lando infiltrated and Chewie is part of some kind of Batman Gambit.

"Goodness gracious me!"
GREAT BAWLS O' FYAH!

Threepio sounds gleeful with "I don't think they're going to let us in, Artoo!"

Oh, that's where they put in the Bomarr monks...

"De wanna wanga?"
...No, we don't want to see it. No, I'm sure it's quite lovely but it'd be just as well if you kept your pants on.

"De wanna wango."
...STOP ENCOURAGING HIM, THREEPIO

"De Jabba wanga?"
DEAR GOD NO PLEASE NOT THAT NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT

I CAN'T DO THIS! Where is my compilation of all songs from MLP from Seasons 1-3 and Equestria Girls?!

Oh, thank Celestia for Pinkie Pie. Okay... maybe I can do another couple minutes.

Is Artoo moody? What do you care? I'd be pretty moody too if I were surrounded by a bunch of hideous exhibitionists.

"Ohhhh... good shitta." See? He smokes a hookah; must be evil!

R2's jabbering while starting the projector makes me think of a dial-up modem for some reason.

"Greetings, Exalted One." He's a damn crime boss! Though, I suppose "Wassup, mah hutt?" might not have left Jabba in a very friendly mood.

"I seek an audience with your greatness." Is that a fat joke?

Damn, Luke, that's cold.

"Artoo, look! Captain Solo! And he's still frozen in carbonite!" No shit! Ohh, the George is strong in this script...

"Yes or no will do."
Hehe. I know EV9D9 is supposed to be evil, but come on. Anyone that can shut down Threepio's rambling can't be all that bad.

Huh. I just realized why the droid they show after "Disintegrated?!" looks so familiar. It's a 2-1B med droid with the mouth grille and hose removed.

...Oh God, this music makes me think of the intro to Roseanne... which was always a sign to bolt for the remote and change the channel to anything else.

Hey, let's have the cheery and upbeat musical number in the dark, smoky evil den! Because, as that lunatic we haven't heard from in a while said, "consistent tone is for pussies!"

Oh dear. There goes Jabba's wanga. But Oola said no... so there goes Oola.

Chewie, your hair is different!

Random shot of Boba Fett because he was popular by 1998!

Twenty-five thousand. Why, that's enough for two and a half ships! Or, if you'll recall the exchange rate I calculated for ANH, $1,041.67. What is this, a Western?

Yes, let's break up the scene to show Boba flirting with a dancer. Because... oh yeah, he sells lots of toys.

Gotta give Jabba credit. Someone whips out a thermonuclear device as a bargaining chip, and he laughs and then offers them a deal.

Oh, that's where that "you picked up something" sound from Dark Forces II comes from.

Respectful nod from Boba. Maybe that's why he later tells Leia (when she's revealed) not worry about Jabba throwing him to her for "entertainment." No, wait, it was because—as Boba said--"sex between unmarried people is immortal." Well, so is rape, which is a more accurate description of what Jabba was going for.

DAMN YOU WIND CHIMES

Damn, that floor is FILTHY! His shirt was clean when he fell, now it's covered in green goo.

"Who are you?"
"Leia. I've been smoking a lot since you were captured."

Now the green shit is orange.

Now it's green-brown.. and back to orange. It changes in every damn cut back to Han and Leia!

"I can't bear to watch!"
Watch what? ARE YOU SUGGESTING SOMETHING UNTOWARD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO LEIA? WELL IT'S NOT! Despite her being stripped out of her armor and forced into an exploitative dancer costume... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENED GOD DAMMIT! THIS IS LIGHT SCIENCE FANTASY FOR KIDS! Jabba may be a vile gangster who frequently raped his last dancer, but she wasn't a main cast member!

So, some people think Luke using Force Choke ™ on the Gamorreans means that Force abilities are neither good nor bad, dark nor light. Except, well, that's counterindicated by that whole "crushing someone's trachea with your mind is at least dickish"... and the fact that this scene was meant to show Luke has started to seriously flirt with the Dark Side. Hence his goth outfit (this was before the makeup became part of the look).

Salacious Crumb is disturbingly fascinated by Jabba's tail.

Jabba is not a morning person.

I like how "Jedi mind trick" is totally untranslated. Even though, in the next line, Jabba shows the Hutts do have a word for "mind."

"TEENY JEDI! TEENY JEDI!" Well, maybe if you didn't eat so damn much...

Oh, the Rancor. Meh. Brutes are scarier in Mass Effect 3.

I remember reading something about Jabba pitting his rancor up against a bunch of other creatures. I think that story was written to explain where that large femur Luke attacked the rancor with came from.

Aww, you hurt its fingers.

Jabba's tail is a cut in it... though, given how Crumb went for it, it seemed more like he chewed the hole himself.

CRUSH

Leia laughs... then gets choked.

Did they attempt to wax the rancor keeper's chest? He has some odd patches of hairlessness...

Now Han's shirt is clean again. Prisoners get their laundry done, I guess.

All-Powerful Sarlacc, eh? Seems like something a stray turbolaser bolt could solve. Of course, since it appeared in films, it does gain massive plot armor and character shielding.

"That's the last mistake you'll ever make!" Yeah, that's more of that "Luke is actually playing pretty dark right now." Jedi aren't supposed to make death threats. They just decapitate you without trial on the grounds you might be dangerous or the trial won't go their way.

Nice root beer you've got there, Jabba.

"Sometimes a cigar is just a giant tooth-filled vagina in the desert that swallows men whole." No, wait... it's okay now because we added a giant phallic beak!

Nod to Lando... nod to Artoo... salute...

Jeez Luke... kinda stood there a while waiting for that saber. Good thing no one swung an axe at you while you were waiting.

Chewie got shot.

"Hey, remember this cool character you guys liked so much? LET'S TAKE HIM DOWN LIKE A COMPLETE TWAT!" Of course, the EU will bring him back... and then Karen Traviss will turn him into a god among men.

"CHOKEY... HARDER... LEIA. WANGA... LIKEY!"

CHOP

"URRGH TOO MUCH WANGA LIKEY!"

Amazing how none of these guys Luke attacks have had their arms, legs, heads, or torsos go flying off. Like Ponda Baba, the wampa, Luke in the last film, Darth Maul, numerous Tusken raiders, the members of the Separatist Council, Anakin, Count Dooku...

Periscope up... gee, I hope that magnet near their droid brains doesn't lead to any problems.

"I have a promise to keep, to an old friend."
Well, your old friend went from being fairly healthy and capable of dispensing wisdom... to knock, knock, knockin' on Heaven's door in less than a year. Damn, Yoda. We didn't even know you were sick.

Notice how many TIE Fighters the Emperor gets for his arrival? And a custom paint job on the shuttle: a streak of slightly darker gray up the fuselage!

"Rise, my friend."
"Where's Padme? Is she safe?"
"WILL YOU STOP ASKING ME THAT?!"

Now, this is before the whole "Rule of Two" thing was established. So, the idea of multiple evil knights serving Palpy was fine. But now that the PT came out... uh, Vader's playing Russian Roulette. With a Derringer.

"Look I so old to young eyes?"
"Seriously, man. What the hell happened? You look like shit."
"LIKE SHIT YOU LOOK, MOTHERF**KER. See if smothered in honies you are when 900 years old you reach! Oh, sorry I am! Live that long your puny species does not!"

"Master Yoda, you can't die."
Yes, he can.

"Twilight is upon me."
Oh God... no wonder he's dying if he saw that pile of shit series.

"That is the way of things. The way of the Force."
...Death? Death is the way of the Force?

"No more training do you require."
"Then I am a Jedi."
"Nah, you gotta off the guy Obi-Wan couldn't finish the job with."

They had to put in the part where Luke asks Yoda because the audience refused to believe Vader was telling the truth. I'd forgotten that while reviewing ESB.

"Luke... Luke... do not... do not underestimate the powers of the Emperor, or suffer your father's fate, you will. Can shoot lightning out of his fingers, he can! Your lightsaber, block it, it will!"

For many years, I thought Yoda was just saying, "There is another sky..." I don't think it was until I was well into my twenties I could make out, "...walker."

And poof! Something else that spawned a lot of EU screwups.

"Obi-Wan!" Why not "Ben"?

"So, what I told you was true... from a certain point of view."
You used incestuous lust to recruit a wide-eyed young kid into your religious war and lied to him so he would murder the father he had always wished to know. So Ben, or Obi-Wan, get f**ked.

"That is the reason why your sister remains safely anonymous."
"Leia!"
"Well, maybe not so safely."

Also, Luke's expressions while he processes that Leia is his sister... canon may insist there were no Lannisterian shenanigans, but the actors seemed to believe it.

Why in the hell is there a medical droid at the strategic briefing? Expecting heart attacks?

ACKBAR

Interesting plan. Any contingencies? Backups?

So, you need a strike team to hit the ground, break through Imperial lines, and take control of a major ground objective. Doing so will allow an element of the spaceborne forces to wipe out the enemy forces once and for all. Anyone else hearing Lance Henriksen over Tim Rose? Hmmm?

"What is it?"
"Ask me again sometime."
...Damn, Luke. Well, no more South Passage for you... of course, you know you shouldn't anyway. But then... "I've always known."

The Falcon must've gotten some massive plot armor upgrades and other powers to carry the additional weight. "You need all the help you can get; she's the fastest ship in the fleet."
Um, she's been run down by the standard Imperial warship on three occasions now. So, I really hope that's just hyperbole... of course, since we later see it running down TIE Interceptors—which are faster than TIE Fighters, which are faster than X-Wings—they must've boosted the engines to carry that plot armor and character shielding.

"I got your promise, not a scratch?"
You're gonna need to call DirecTV and get a new dish.

I've tried building the Emperor's Tower for space stations in Kerbal Space Program. It's been... dicey.

So, even Vader isn't fully in on the scheme to take down the Rebels. Damn. Now that's compartmentalization.

"Please identify." Imperial officers are always so polite in a restricted area. That's nice of them.

"Don't get jittery, Luke."
Did you see him in the first one? He dances like Tali after she slurps a Red Bull (dextro, of course) through the emergency induction port!

"Let keep a little optimism."
*cut to the tiny shuttle up against the command tower with the tonnage of a heavy cruiser, with the moon-sized Giant Hurt Ball in the background*

Hmm. Your gleaming white shuttlecraft blends in so well with the forest!

"Hey, it's me! The guy was blind a little while ago!"

Another moment that makes me smile... Han Solo, elite commando, steps on a stick and gets bitch-slapped by a scout trooper. You won't see that in the EU novels. And for just a second, the Empire seems dangerous in this film. Han beating the trooper actually means something and is an accomplishment.

But why did the scout squeak when he was all judo-flipped?

Luke, no one likes a backseat driver.

So, the trooper gets shoved off... and somehow hits the tree upside down. BECAUSE KOMEDY

Wow! Luke's bike took a direct laser hit! The no-name mook, however, took one hit and wiped out! And more interestingly, the scout pulls his pistol and wings Leia's speeder... which also knocks her off and wrecks the bike. Followed more KOMEDY as the triumphant trooper slams into a tree.

Was the slide whistle really necessary on the spinning bike? God dammit, George.

Err. My DVD is apparently damaged in the part where Luke comes back, so I have to skip to Wicket meeting Leia. And so begins Star Wars: Episode VI.V: The Quest for More Money.

"I promise I won't hurt you. In fact, I want to do just the opposite... so soft and fuzzy... warm and cuddly... oh yes..."

"Your popcorn tastes like shit, lady—HOLY CRAP YOU JUST REMOVED THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD! I HAVE NO CONCEPT OF HEADGEAR EVEN THOUGH I'M WEARING A HOOD AND IT'S LATER ESTABLISHED THAT HEADGEAR IS A MAJOR PART OF EWOK SOCIETY!"

He smells something suspicious. Poke your head up higher, Leia!

Aww, ya missed. Now, are we to believe those are potshots with those little pistols?

And scratch another bike. How many did this garrison have?

I so want Palpatine's chair.

"My son is with them."
"Are you sure?"
"I have felt him, my master."
Well, that's... awkward, but I suppose--

"Strange that I have not."
NOT HELPING, PALPY. Though, I suppose since sexual predators are the new acceptable targets these days, Episode VII's villain will probably be a child molestor or rapist or something.

"I have forseen it."
And so a catchphrase is born.

Nice jackboots, Luke. Maybe I should reshine mine...

Well, glad the smell of rotting meat in the sun can lift Chewie's mood from depressed and worried to gleeful.

"I don't get it; it's just a dead animal."
"Great, Chewie! Always thinkin' with your stomach!"
That is some PT-grade position reversal!

FURRIES
FURRIES EVERYWHERE
RUUUUUUUUUUUN

omg luke its not a crossbow its a BOWCASTER[/nasal nerd voice]

Get it? They're primitive so they're worship anything shiny... just like the Native Americans George saw in movies when he was growing up!

Hamill shows he's a pretty good actor with that wry smirk and stifled laughter... followed by sudden horror at Han's turn to violence. Shame was he typecast to where he can never act in front of a screen... just behind a microphone. Oh well, the Silver Screen's loss is animation's gain, Batsy!

You should have a bad feeling about it, Han. They're cannibals.

I love the Ewok work song as they pile kindling under Han.

Now, why didn't they eat Leia? Or do they only eat people when they find shiny new gods?

BURN HIM BURN HIM NOW! PUNISH HIM FOR HIS PHONED-IN PERFORMANCE

Crotch-shock!

"I'm afraid I'm not much of a storyteller..."
*recruits a bunch of Ewoks to be cannon fodder for Imperial guns*
See? This is a character arc! Remember those, George?

"Short help's better than no help at all."

"Hurry up, will ya? I haven't got all day!" Troll level: twelve-year old on Counterstrike.

"Leia. Do you remember your mother? Your real mother?"
"Just a little bit. She died when I was very young."
I suppose forty-five seconds out of the birth canal qualifies as "very young."

"She was very beautiful. Kind. But sad."
Eh, she was okay. Her kindness included drafting a species that had always had tense relations with her people into being cannon fodder, being more than willing to let the Jedi get stretched thin and take serious casualties, being a ruthless cocktease... But I'll grant you the sad. In fact, so sad, that her children were not worth living for!
I guess that's not actually very kind, either.

"I have no memory of my mother."
You're lucky, Luke. The rest of us are forced to remember.

"I have to face him..."
"Why?"

*Leia almost vomits* "I DID WHAT WITH DARTH VADER'S SPAWN?!"
"It gets worse... uh, you're my sister."
"I know... somehow, I've always known."
"...YOU KNEW?! WHAT THE HELL, WOMAN?!"

The actors are good... but the dialog is so... awful. This is a taste of the PT; we should've known. Dammit, we should have known! Instead we showered Lucas with praise and adulation, told him he could do no wrong... and he believed the mob.

Easy on the jealousy, Han... you're turning green over being cockblocked by a fraternal twin.

"Hold me."
...SON OF A BITCH, PADME RIPPED THAT OFF TOO
F**k your poetry George.

All of those Imperials have names now. The officer is Igar; I can't be bothered to check the Stormtroopers.

"That name no longer has any meaning for me! I don't want to think about those movies."

"That's why you won't destroy me. And that's why you won't bring me to the Emperor now."
*Vader ignites Luke's lightsaber just behind his back*
"...We can talk about this, though... Father."

"Search your feelings, Father."
"Hey, kid. That's my shtick. First Palpatine tries to steal it, now you?"

Prowse has gotten very good at showing emotion despite not having facial expressions.

Ah, this is where the original alternate Endor began... when there was nearly a damned hour of film left.

Yeah, Lando... I'm afraid Admiral Anderson has been having a harder time of it—err, sorry. The shield's not gonna be down, at any rate.

"Backdoor, huh? Good idea."
"NOW, Han? ...Can the Ewoks watch?"

"Our furry companion has gone and done something rather rash."
See? It's even G-canon that Ewoks are furries.

Yes, bring the shiny golden robot through the forest near the Imperial base. Brilliant plan.

Hey, look! They speeder took a direct laser hit and once again, it just spins around instead of exploding or hurling the Ewok to his death... those character shields can repel the fire of up to four dreadnoughts simultaneously!

Yep, even those Royal Guards have names.

Uh-oh... the first hint that Palpatine has some magic of his own.

"Soon I'll be dead, and you with me."
Hmph.

"It is quite safe from your pitiful little band. An entire legion of my best troops awaits them!" And by legion, you mean... fifty guys.

"Artoo! Stay with me! I need your love."

Why did no one shoot Han for killing Colonel Dyer (guy he hit with the box and sent over the railing)? Eh, I guess the midichlorians jammed their guns.

And Lando soils his exquisitely-tailored trousers.

IT'S A T... IRED MEME!!!

Remember when three or four TIEs were a mortal danger to the Falcon? Now it's just window dressing!

Jeez, Palpy... give him a second to think about it instead of chaining all of your lines together into a breathless monologue.

YUBYUB AKBAR

Dontcha love the wet crunching noises as they bludgeon men to death? Isn't that just adorably cute?

Imperial discipline seems a bit lax.

More squeaking noises? Also, don't you like how the bullet-proof, vacuum-sealed armor easily fractures under stone axes wielded by little people in fur suits?

EWOK KOMEDY!

R2, we need a l33t haxxor!

FIRE THE STONE CATAPULTS!

Oh, hey, armor that actually works for once! Holy shit! And yet it somehow won't stop trees. Because trees are harder than rocks, dontcha know.

Oh no! Not the medical frigate! That was in the last movie! We need to save it!

"Your friends have failed... none of them got to The Conduit."

Do we need it stated that the blast came from the Death Star? We just saw it. Don't tell the audience what they already know.

Aww, look at the adorable slow bludgeoning to death! Makes you want to buy some toys, doesn't it?

Holy crap! A Stormtrooper was actually precise!

Ah, the oh-so-tragic scene where the two Ewoks are running and knocked down by a laser blast... but only one gets back up. The dead one is currently named "Corpsey." And I'm not making that up in the least. Check Wookieepedia.

Wow! We just saw the first black and Asian fighter pilots in SW... and then they died. Because only the white ones get to live in George's universe.

Nice blocking, Vader. But if he had killed, Palpatine... wouldn't that make you in charge? Or do you have to kill him to take charge and don't want to take orders from your kid?

Ha! The Imperial pilots' death cries are so funny and he's held down and beaten! KOMEDY!

Ha, they knocked the scout off his bike with a rope! Isn't it adorable that they snapped his neck and killed him instantly?

"All-Terran Scout Transport... all except logs."

Chicks with guns can do it for me too, Han... sometimes.

"Stay back." What's that going to do if it were hostile and filled that alcove with plasma?

Vader is somehow panting. Even though most of his body is mechanical and needs neither blood nor oxygen... maybe he's thinking really, really hard?

SAY HAN RIGHT, LANDO OR I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU AGAIN

Gee. Good thing that commander doesn't know any of the officers by face... or require an operating number on the report, like "This is SC-421 reporting... the Rebels have been routed." Nope, just grab a walkie-talkie and say "We're winning! Send more people!"

I... can't nitpick Vader's taunting and the following duel. The music sends chills up and down my spine. I could comment on Luke's grunts and snarls... but it adds a humanity that all of the flashier duels of the prequels lack. This shall always be the ultimate lightsaber battle to me... unless JJ's Episode VII manages to top it.

Also, you can tell the railing Luke cut is rubber from its bounce and droop.

"Never. I'll never turn to the Dark Side."
LUKE! That weapon is your life!

So, blow up the control room... and the entire shield dish vaporizes in a blast that probably dwarfs early nuclear bombs...

OH SHIT LIGHTNINGHANDS
"Yoda! Why didn't you say anything about this specifically?"
"Mmm, forgot I did. My bad!"

"You will pay the price for your lack of vision."
As someone who wears glasses, I take offense to that, Palpy.

Well, look at it this way, Luke... you're holding out a lot better than Samuel L. Jedi! You took that lightning like a pro, while he got roasted in a couple seconds. Must be your midichlorians. Or mini-Deloreans.

Wow! Surface guns with an improved rate of fire and accuracy against starfighters! Too bad their plot armor was of the hardened variety instead of "warp shots around" variety. There are definite impacts... but they don't do anything. Not even a token redshirt gets vaped.

Haha, that TIE Pilot crashed. IZ KOMEDY!

Goodbye, Jeff Foxworthy. Nobody likes you, anyway.

So, that A-Wing is shot while skimming the surface of the Executor... then barrels into the bridge from high and to the left. Errr...

"DIE, DICKHEADS!" Yep, everyone do the victory dance while a third of a million men and women are consumed by flame. HEROES!

Anakin used to have eyebrows. They were photoshopped out to match the injuries in ROTS. Because, rather than make ROTS match the movie that's already made... well... True Vision™ and all that.

Whoops! Someone activated the Crucible! And they picked Red!

And another stupid planar shock ring... and that one was flatly equatorial. At least in ANH it was angled and nearly polar in its orientation.

Hey, I guess that stuff about blasters cauterizing wounds is BS. Did you see the bloody bandages over hole in Leia's arm? Why is that arm still attached, by the way, give the size of the hole compared to the size of her arm?

Han kisses Leia... Wicket dances and pats him on the back. "Keep going, I want to watch! I know she likes being watched!"

I wonder how many people saw Luke dragging the corpse of the Emperor's right hand man to a clearing...?

"WESA FREEEEE!"

Crowdsurfing Stormtrooper! Hey, see that celebrating crowd? As soon as the camera pans away... a division of Stormtroopers goes Kent State on it. So much for happy endings.

Aww, he's playing drums on Imperial helmets. Do you think they removed the heads from inside first?

And hey, what's a party without a barbecue? What's on the menu, you ask? Well, remember earlier when Luke and Han were going to be roasted...?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN SHOULD NOT BE THERE

Life on Endor shimmers
Life on Endor shines
And I know for absolute certain
That everything
Yes everything
Yes everything
Is going to
Be fiiiiiiiiine!
It's fine!
Yes, everything's gonna be just fine!

What's that? Dinosaur people whose ships run on forcibly-taken souls are invading? Oh...
_________________
Commander Samantha Shepard